Coffee Breath

When people are squinting when you are talking to them face to face, your coffee breath is out of control.   Try a mint.   You are not a Viking.

Concert?

Now is "Touch Our Junk" a band or an invitation? Great band name but I will pass on the invitation

Nothing Says I Love You Like.....

.....a huge 4 and a half foot teddy bear?  WTF?   These commercials are all over the television before Valentine's Day hocking this big ass teddy bear.   They say, "Flowers will just die and chocolates will make her feel fat." but a monsterous stuffed animal is going to sweep her off her feet?  "Hey honey, I wanted to let you know that I put absolutely no thought into a gift and I am a cheap bastard, so I got you this piece of crap leftover from last year's state fair!"  I also love the part where it shows her walking into her office and....how hilarious, the bear is in her office chair!  The actress thinks it is knee slappingly funny.  Here is how it really goes down, she sees that in her office and thinks, "Great now the whole office knows what dick bag my boyfriend is.  I think I will dump him tonight after I gauge his eyes out with these huge plastic eyes."  Unless you are trying to get out of the relationship, this is a terrible gift.  Might as well get her a bean bag chair.  She can at least fart into that thing.  I would also suggest cutting a hole in the teddy bear becuase that is the only thing you will be having sex with that night if you go the big ass teddy bear route this Valentine's Day.  

Dog Show

Why do the handlers all run like they have tacks in their shoes?

Smoking Problem

If you are lighting your cigarette with the cigarette you just finished, you have a problem.