Hidden Pleasures

Am I the only person who thinks picking a huge booger out of your nose, popping a big zit, and taking a huge dump are some of the most pleasurable experiences out there?

The moment right after a sneeze is pretty awesome as well.

Mini Lenny

Maybe the best person to be watching your little dog while you gab away on your phone might not be your 4-5 year old son.  He is less holding the leash as he is acting like he is starting a lawn mower with it.  Oh, there is a dog at the other end that might need a new neck.  Once I saw this I was instantly reminded of Lenny with the rabbits and we know how that ended up.  PETA would shit themselves and probably sentence your son to death for what went on.  It is only a matter of time before that dog says screw this and takes a chunk out of your kid.  It is not your son's fault, he is a chid.  It is your fault lady for acting like you are 13 and that your phone call is more important to you than both your son and your poor dog.

Inside the Nostril Zit

So I wake up yesterday morning to blow my nose.  The tissue had barely touched my right nostril when pain shoots through my face.  For some reason my nostril has a pulse!  I go to the mirror and nothing on the outside of the nose seems amiss.  I touch again and it is super tender.  I gently place my finger into my right nostril.  It usually fits like a glove.  No can do, too tender.  I somehow manage to invert my nostril like Maverick did to that Russian MiG to check out the undercarriage of the nostril.  Sure as shit, a zit!  Now my eyes are watering and I am going to be late to pick up a client so I let sleeping zits lie and decide to ignore this little bastard.  Unfortunately, I cannot ignore the zit as it pulsates most of the day and I can barely think of anything other than this damn zit.  I keep lightly rubbing it which surely creeped the shit out of my client but I couldn't stop.  I was like a meth head itching, I could not stop.  Finally we get to a Starbucks and I head to the bathroom prepared for war with Mr. Whitehead.  I do the Maverick thingy again and there he is....but bigger and more pissed as he is very red with a little white head.  I give myself the game time nod in the mirror and attack.  I flip, angle, trap, and attempt to pop it.  It give a little resistance and then I am propelled backwards as if someone had jumped kicked my chest.  It was both painful and glorious.  The sense of relief made me spout out, "Take that you little fucker!"  As I exited the bathroom I realized that most of the Starbucks had heard my exclamation but I did not care.  My one flaring red nostril probably told everyone the story they needed.  I just pointed my thumb back to the men's room and nodded a couple of times.  No explanation needed.  

As I get back into the car I told my client about my zit and all he said was, "Yeah, those are brutal.  It feels so good when you finally pop them though."

Damn straight.  Salty 1, Zit 0.

Until this morning........

Please Just Drive

I noticed you were a terrible driver when you were just smoking and trying to drive your stick shift at the same time.  I was utterly amazed when you actually answered your cell phone.  Please pull over and accomplish one of the six things you are trying to do at once and save the rest of us normal drivers the fear of you forcig us into oncoming traffic.  You probaly wanted to give me the finger when I honked at you but then again you are not an octopus.  Maybe next time.