Hidden Pleasures

Am I the only person who thinks picking a huge booger out of your nose, popping a big zit, and taking a huge dump are some of the most pleasurable experiences out there?

The moment right after a sneeze is pretty awesome as well.

Mini Lenny

Maybe the best person to be watching your little dog while you gab away on your phone might not be your 4-5 year old son.  He is less holding the leash as he is acting like he is starting a lawn mower with it.  Oh, there is a dog at the other end that might need a new neck.  Once I saw this I was instantly reminded of Lenny with the rabbits and we know how that ended up.  PETA would shit themselves and probably sentence your son to death for what went on.  It is only a matter of time before that dog says screw this and takes a chunk out of your kid.  It is not your son's fault, he is a chid.  It is your fault lady for acting like you are 13 and that your phone call is more important to you than both your son and your poor dog.

Inside the Nostril Zit

So I wake up yesterday morning to blow my nose.  The tissue had barely touched my right nostril when pain shoots through my face.  For some reason my nostril has a pulse!  I go to the mirror and nothing on the outside of the nose seems amiss.  I touch again and it is super tender.  I gently place my finger into my right nostril.  It usually fits like a glove.  No can do, too tender.  I somehow manage to invert my nostril like Maverick did to that Russian MiG to check out the undercarriage of the nostril.  Sure as shit, a zit!  Now my eyes are watering and I am going to be late to pick up a client so I let sleeping zits lie and decide to ignore this little bastard.  Unfortunately, I cannot ignore the zit as it pulsates most of the day and I can barely think of anything other than this damn zit.  I keep lightly rubbing it which surely creeped the shit out of my client but I couldn't stop.  I was like a meth head itching, I could not stop.  Finally we get to a Starbucks and I head to the bathroom prepared for war with Mr. Whitehead.  I do the Maverick thingy again and there he is....but bigger and more pissed as he is very red with a little white head.  I give myself the game time nod in the mirror and attack.  I flip, angle, trap, and attempt to pop it.  It give a little resistance and then I am propelled backwards as if someone had jumped kicked my chest.  It was both painful and glorious.  The sense of relief made me spout out, "Take that you little fucker!"  As I exited the bathroom I realized that most of the Starbucks had heard my exclamation but I did not care.  My one flaring red nostril probably told everyone the story they needed.  I just pointed my thumb back to the men's room and nodded a couple of times.  No explanation needed.  

As I get back into the car I told my client about my zit and all he said was, "Yeah, those are brutal.  It feels so good when you finally pop them though."

Damn straight.  Salty 1, Zit 0.

Until this morning........

Please Just Drive

I noticed you were a terrible driver when you were just smoking and trying to drive your stick shift at the same time.  I was utterly amazed when you actually answered your cell phone.  Please pull over and accomplish one of the six things you are trying to do at once and save the rest of us normal drivers the fear of you forcig us into oncoming traffic.  You probaly wanted to give me the finger when I honked at you but then again you are not an octopus.  Maybe next time.

Birthdays

Am I the only person that thinks birthdays stop being remotely fun past your 21st?  I am not the guy that sits in his closet in the fetal position because he is getting one year older but lets be honest.  If you are over thirty and you get pumped for your birthday, you might want to check into a mental institution or maybe stop spending so much time around kids.  Oh, and half birthdays are for kids ages 3-10 and 10 might be pushing it.  If you tell people you are celebrating your half birthday you are either a raging alcoholic willing to celebrate anything or someone that needs to be hit in the face with a weed whacker.  

I know the people that are apologizing that they missed my birthday mean well but I could give a rat's ass that you missed my birthday.  The only people I care about missing my birthday are my parents.  They have to remember that date because that is when I came into this world to make their lives something they never planned on.  I hope they think of the day as a positive but every once in a while I catch my mom staring at me on my birthday and I know she is thinking, "You know how much GD pain you put me through you little bastard?" 

How about those people that LOVE their birthday and remind you that it is a week away.  Oh, now it is 5 days away!  Update me again and you are not making it to your birthday!  I hope you enjoy your birthday but the rest of the office could care less about your birthday.  Call your mom and dad and they might care, oh, whats that?  You don't talk as much as you should anymore?  Maybe it is because every time you called it was to remind them about the damn count down to your birthday.

On another birthday note, those sheet cakes that everyone gets on their b-day for work or when you are twelve......those are a total rip off.  What are the margins for the grocery store on those fuckers?  They can last until your next birthday so who knows how long it has been sitting in that glass case.  I also like how the asshole that brings those out acts like he/she is a real baker.  These people belong in a bakery about as much as I belong in the Scripps Spelling Bee (that is a whole other rant).  You can tell these people did not make it past the 8th grade by the way the spell peoples names with the icing squeezer gun thingy.  Happy Birthday Tod!   One "d" really?   Why do I know so much about these jackasses?   When I worked in Hollywood as the bitch of the studio it was my prestigious job to go get these stupid cakes for any staff member above me's birthday.  So I have experience.  Depending on what god forsaken Hollywood grocery store they would send me to, the bakers were mostly the same.  "Oh, you picking up a birthday cake?  Is it your birthday?"  Ya, I am picking this up for myself dildo.  I have zero friends that would get this for me some I am buying my own so I can eat my way to diabetes.    But I digress.

Happy Birthday to me.  June 1st is kind of a kick ass birthday don't you think?  I know it is May 31st so save the comments but I plan on getting faced tomorrow.  Hell, it is my birthday.

Waiting Room Phone Call

Hey buttknuckle, maybe you can take that call outside.  Even if you absolutely have to get the phone call, can you not talk as if you are a reporter giving a live broadcast from inside a tornado?  This is part of his actual conversation:

"Ya, I am here at the doctor's office.  Getting some shit checked out.  What's up?   Oh ya?  Well let's fuckin' meet with them.   Everyone that I ever talk with will like me within 90 seconds....period.  Honestly like 99% of the people who meet me like me"

Well jerk off, me and the other eight people in the waiting room have known you for about five minutes and all of us can't stand you.   Might want to readjust those percentages.   By the way you interact I can tell that 99% number is about a 98% exaggeration.  On a side note, you are too old to wear your hat tilted to the side.  Grow up dick cheese.

Larry

I don't think you can be younger than 30 and be named Larry.  I have never met a baby named Larry.  There was not any Larrys in at my school growing up.  I am not sure I knew a Larry until I started working.