Birthdays

Am I the only person that thinks birthdays stop being remotely fun past your 21st?  I am not the guy that sits in his closet in the fetal position because he is getting one year older but lets be honest.  If you are over thirty and you get pumped for your birthday, you might want to check into a mental institution or maybe stop spending so much time around kids.  Oh, and half birthdays are for kids ages 3-10 and 10 might be pushing it.  If you tell people you are celebrating your half birthday you are either a raging alcoholic willing to celebrate anything or someone that needs to be hit in the face with a weed whacker.  

I know the people that are apologizing that they missed my birthday mean well but I could give a rat's ass that you missed my birthday.  The only people I care about missing my birthday are my parents.  They have to remember that date because that is when I came into this world to make their lives something they never planned on.  I hope they think of the day as a positive but every once in a while I catch my mom staring at me on my birthday and I know she is thinking, "You know how much GD pain you put me through you little bastard?" 

How about those people that LOVE their birthday and remind you that it is a week away.  Oh, now it is 5 days away!  Update me again and you are not making it to your birthday!  I hope you enjoy your birthday but the rest of the office could care less about your birthday.  Call your mom and dad and they might care, oh, whats that?  You don't talk as much as you should anymore?  Maybe it is because every time you called it was to remind them about the damn count down to your birthday.

On another birthday note, those sheet cakes that everyone gets on their b-day for work or when you are twelve......those are a total rip off.  What are the margins for the grocery store on those fuckers?  They can last until your next birthday so who knows how long it has been sitting in that glass case.  I also like how the asshole that brings those out acts like he/she is a real baker.  These people belong in a bakery about as much as I belong in the Scripps Spelling Bee (that is a whole other rant).  You can tell these people did not make it past the 8th grade by the way the spell peoples names with the icing squeezer gun thingy.  Happy Birthday Tod!   One "d" really?   Why do I know so much about these jackasses?   When I worked in Hollywood as the bitch of the studio it was my prestigious job to go get these stupid cakes for any staff member above me's birthday.  So I have experience.  Depending on what god forsaken Hollywood grocery store they would send me to, the bakers were mostly the same.  "Oh, you picking up a birthday cake?  Is it your birthday?"  Ya, I am picking this up for myself dildo.  I have zero friends that would get this for me some I am buying my own so I can eat my way to diabetes.    But I digress.

Happy Birthday to me.  June 1st is kind of a kick ass birthday don't you think?  I know it is May 31st so save the comments but I plan on getting faced tomorrow.  Hell, it is my birthday.

Waiting Room Phone Call

Hey buttknuckle, maybe you can take that call outside.  Even if you absolutely have to get the phone call, can you not talk as if you are a reporter giving a live broadcast from inside a tornado?  This is part of his actual conversation:

"Ya, I am here at the doctor's office.  Getting some shit checked out.  What's up?   Oh ya?  Well let's fuckin' meet with them.   Everyone that I ever talk with will like me within 90 seconds....period.  Honestly like 99% of the people who meet me like me"

Well jerk off, me and the other eight people in the waiting room have known you for about five minutes and all of us can't stand you.   Might want to readjust those percentages.   By the way you interact I can tell that 99% number is about a 98% exaggeration.  On a side note, you are too old to wear your hat tilted to the side.  Grow up dick cheese.

Larry

I don't think you can be younger than 30 and be named Larry.  I have never met a baby named Larry.  There was not any Larrys in at my school growing up.  I am not sure I knew a Larry until I started working.

Conference Bags

There is 40,000 people at this conference and these bags are only convenient to the 100 or so ass hats that use them.  These bags are just in the way and I make it a point to kick them whenever I see them.  The owner will get aggravated but I usually will quell that by saying that I did not see it.  If you own one of these, you are a butt plug and deserve to have your little caboose bag punted.

I Think I Will Pass