Elvis, Jumbotron Slut

If you have ever had the desire to get on the Jumbotron at a stadium or arena just dress like Elvis.  Same goes for a televised sporting event.  I am not sure why sports directors/stadium staff have such a hard on for this costume but they do.  Think about it.  My guess is the production truck direction goes something like this:  "camera one on the huddle, camera two give me the head coach...go.  Camera three give me some sexy cheerleaders.  Go to camera one.....holy shit!  Screw that!  I see a kid dressed as Elvis in the student section!  For God's sake get me two camera angles on that genius.  How is it the second quarter and I am just finding out about this clever guy.  Fire the spotter STAT!"  

The guy has been dead for over 30 years yet he still gets more run than the mascot for the home team.  If I dressed as Albert Einstein one game and Elvis the next, which game do you think I am getting on TV?  Sad really.

Guyliner

So this is really happening?  Males, which used to be known as men, are now putting on eye liner?!?!  Seriously?  Grab the area where your sack used to be and ask yourself, "hope being a bitch works better then this whole man thing. Cause I have given up being a responsible, self confident individual and I will substitute it for this shell of a infant boy that needs attention constantly."  I know I can't afford my electric bill but thank god I got my manscape on and scored some blush.  Take a lonnnnnnggg hard look in the mirror, cry, and check into rehab.  Rock bottom.

Knock Knock

If you are older than 12 years old and you are still telling knock knock jokes, you should be punted in the face.  Unless really dirty, these are never funny.  I can't remember the last knock knock joke I really laughed at and not a courtesy laugh becuase a 7 year old told me it.  I am not sure why this drives me so crazy.

Lasts 9.1 years*

This is the biggest bunch of horse shit ever.  I have gone through three of these bad boys in the last month alone.  When whatever jackass wrote this he must have been dying laughing.  * only if you use this light bulb once ever three months.

Screw you energy saving light bulb.

Racist?

I met my lawn guy at my house today to pay him.  We struck up a little conversation about how business was going and he mentioned that it was going very well.  He said he has even let go some of his "tougher" accounts that were always late on paying.  A couple of months ago we were talking and he mentioned a younger woman that he was having a real bitch of a time getting a check from.  Here is the breakdown of the conversation today:

Salty: So, how is biz going now?

Matthew: A lot better now!   I have actually picked up about ten accounts in the last 45-60 days.

S: That is great.  Hopefully they are all good accounts and not flakes.

M: So far so good.  I have even let go of some of the people that were not paying me on time.

S:  Like that bitch from a couple of months ago?  She sounded like real treat.

M: Oh ya, I stopped showing up to her house about two months ago.  Bitch, always had some stupid excuse.  You know who I refuse to take on as new accounts because they are the hardest to collect money from and will always rip you off?

S:  Single women?  SIDE NOTE:  This answer was given 100% because of the "bitch" who flaked a couple of months ago was a single woman and that is who we were talking about.

M: No way.  Not even close.

S: Oh ya, then who?

M: Mexicans!  I try to avoid doing work for them whenever I can.  Can't trust them.

S: Uh, I see......well.....um....

M: No, they really are terrible.

S: Well, um..........aren't you Mexican?

M: Ya, doesn't mean I don't trust those fuckers.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  (Me looking down at the ground and just nodding).

S: I see.

M: Got to go, have another appointment.  See you later!  Trust me on the Mexicans.

S: Ok.  Talk to you later.

Now was he subconsciously telling me he was not trustworthy or was that some sort of under cover sting to see if I was racist?  What the hell just happened?  I then looked around to see if John Quinones or Chris Hanson was going to come out of my garage and scorn me for not correcting him.  Still confused.