Austin Beards

Beards are all the rage in Austin, Texas.  A majority of the guys here have beards and they are really proud of them.  It looks like the whole confederate army is here on vacation.  Also, when you grow a beard it turns you into the most knowledgable person on any subject.  "You can't question me!  Have you seen the beard?!?!"  

I also got this doosy from a bearded bartender:

Me: nice bar you have here.

Beard: it is not a bar, it is a craft cocktail lounge.

Me: whatever tickles your whiskers.

Beard walks away.

New Diet

I came up with a new diet and it is really easy.  This is what you do.  Order a pizza at a restaurant.  Make sure your slice is nuclear hot.  Then stuff it in you mug and absolutely fry the ceiling of you mouth.  Viola!  Now you can't eat or taste anything.  The pounds will melt off.  Thank me later and hopefully your teeth don't fall out.

Awful Shirt, Worse Person

If someone buys this shirt or the one below it, it should come with a rusty rake shot to the face.  You are total meat sauce if you think this is a great shirt.  Please stay at the gym.  Everyone other than your workout "buddy" thinks you are an insufferable jack ass.  The Jersy Shore guys think this shirt is horrible.  Again stay at a gym and hopefully it is your home gym.

Bike Shop

If you think the difference between whether your Bike Shop makes it is 10 bikes parked out front, or the 5 my Landlord will allow you, your business was destined to fail mightily.  I go to all the trouble convincing my Landlord that 5 bikes out front is not big deal and you throw a hissy fit?   Are you 7?  No one is driving through the center and notices your bike shop and is like, "I need a bike but these yahoos only have 5 bikes out front and not 10, screw them."   You are not Target.  Take your five bikes and shut your pie hole. 

Oh, and guess what?   Bikes are not the transportation of the future.  This is not China.  Try going to the grocery store, with a kid, in bad weather, during rush hour on your bike dipshit.  Maybe bikes are the future for the ten single bike enthusiasts but  for us with responsibilities like work and family, it does not work.    

Sweet 16

I was just watching one of these shows where the "parents" throw some over the top 16th birthday party for their brat, I mean, kid.  This particular kid was not missing any meals and was not afaid to smash any kind of cake into her bear trap of a mouth.  At one point the dad says, "Look at my daughter."  Right then the camera pans over to catch his daughter slamming what had to be her sixth slice of cake in her mouth.  "I am so proud of her.  She really deserves this!"   Deserve?  Proud?  Proud that she made it to 16?  It is not like she was born in the Congo where that would really be a feat.  You being proud of her turning sixteen would be like me being proud of myself for breathing all day.  I can't wait to see the follow up in five years when she is back in rehab for the fourth time.   This parent will probably throw her a party for that too.

Airport Politics

I love being lectured on race by a guy who voted for his guy based solely on race and the belief that, "they deserved a bite at the apple".

Las Vegas airport on Sunday is still the worse place ever.

Crappy Rest Stop

We had to stop at this shady rest stop and I saw this sign posted.  Of course I had to ask the question.

Salty: is the crapping outside really a big problem?

Clerk: it is a huge problem but the sign has really cut down on the instances.

Salty: tough job

Clerks friend: you can't imagine what it is like having to clean it up.

Salty: man, that sucks.

Clerk and friend: yup

What happened to human decency?  It Does not exist between Gila Bend and Yuma, FYI.  The $20.00 fine was worth it though.