Dump Police

So I have to drop a duece and reluctantly head down to the war zone known as our office floor's bathroom.   As I walk in the door I know it is a no go by both site and smell.  Someone in the stall needs to see a doctor about the death that is coming out of his ass and the other stall is open.  No way in hell am I saddling up inbetween these two guys so I head upstairs to the next floor bathroom.  I do my business by as I exit the stall there is a guy there washing his hands.  Below is our conversation:

Dude: Do you work on this floor?
Salty: No, do you?
Dude: Yes, I do.  You are not allowed to use this bathroom unless you work on this floor.  Please stop.
Salty: Sure guy.
Dude: Honestly stop or we will have to do something.
Salty: Are you going to call the dump police?
Dude: No, but I will call property management.
Salty: Go ahead.
Dude: Why are you being this way when this is obviously not your floor.
Salty: Because our bathroom was full.  Why are you being this way.  How does it effect you?
Dude: It just does.
Salty: Great argument.  Talk to you later.  Enjoy the bathroom.

What a jackass.  Maybe I will dump in his office next time.

Thank You Very Much!

If anyone ever ends their sentence with this phrase, punch them as hard as you can in the throat.  This statement screams, "I have never doing anything meaningful in my life so I am going to thank myself for accomplishing something most anyone can!"  Why is the person thanking themself?  What are you proving?  No one asked for your thanks especially when it was just to thank your worthless ass.  For instance, I was in San Diego this past week.   Some friends and I were talking about when we lived in the LA when a young lady asked us why we moved out of California.   I told her that I had a great time but I no longer wanted to live paycheck to paycheck.   Her rather snippy response was, "Well, I moved out here by myself and have survived ever since thank you very much!"  So you are thanking yourself for the basic human need of surviving?!?!   Look toots, you have not accomplished anything except prove a bunch of dirty old men will still over tip any chick, no matter how shitty the service, if she has huge, fake, hammers.  So finish making my cocktail with a little shake of those fun bags so I can continue drinking, thank you very much.

Then there was today.   I was speaking to this douche bag about setting up a meeting so we could see if we could make a deal work.   I told him Friday would work best for me as this week was bad.  "I can't meet Friday I am busy.  I do have a life thank you very much!"  Uh, ok so you are thanking yourself for having a life now.   Look fuckstick, how about we just don't meet as I believe you have nothing going for you.  Ps, I hope you get hit by a truck.

Hagar

This was the name of the poor lady working the checkout at Spouts today.  Hagar is a great name for a Viking or serial killer but a terrible name for a chick unless she is a professional wrestler.   It did not help that she was built like a brick shithouse either.  Hopefully she buried an axe in her parent's chest for making her go through the torture of that name growing up. 

Pistachios

I love these nuts.   You cannot eat just one of these little bastards.   There are two downsides to these bad boys:

1) If you get a rotten one.  You cannot get that taste out of your mouth until about six more pistachios.  That taste is just a notch worse than bad milk.

2) After over indulging in too many of these guys your next trip to the crapper is like shitting out a spool of barbed wire.