Honey Boo Boo

I saw part of this program and I am afraid the end of times is near.  How is this girl famous, let me tell you, because her "mother" sticks this poor child in pageants.  These pageants are really just a child molesters wet dream but the parents seem to ignore this.  So Honey Boo Boo was the most obnoxious person on some other terrible and the producers needed someone else to exploit.  Anyhow, now Honey Boo Boo has her own show in which she tries to show the country just how white trash her plus size family is.  Mom is a walking Diabetes poster while her siblings are neck in neck in the race to early heart disease.   Now HBB is packing on some early pounds as well and is a couple of years away from a meth addiction or porn toilet star.  I feel bad for where this "child" is going to end up in life.  Most of the show bean bag body mom finds new ways to educate her kids about how to make a complete ass of themselves.  I am not sure if mom drinks but I sure as hell know that her boyfriend does because there is no way a sober human is taking that thing down without at least a keg in your system.  He needs to get all his senses checked.  It is not worth whatever measly money he makes off the show to sing the springs with that behemoth.  If the meth OD does not kill HBB, I am afraid she is going to fall asleep on the couch and mom is going to roll over and crush her to death.  Good luck in life after the show is over HBB, you are going to need it. 

PS- that is not baby fat sweet heart, that is your base coat to what is coming down the road.  Look at your mother.

Cancer Carrot

If I ate this carrot, which I came damn close to, I am 99% sure I would have flaming orange magma spewing from my backside for two days. How did this get past the inspector? I had to throw the rest of the bag out because in my mind the rest of the carrots were "tainted". My back entrance is still wincing at the near miss.

This person Exists

Yes, that is a 50+ year old "male" with a Mohawk and wearing a purple, girl's tank top. He should be a suspect in any unsolved sex crimes out there. Any of them.

Solid Ride

If your rims and wheels cost more than what you paid for the rest of your car, you might have your priorities out of whack.   That is like buying a shitty house but then thinking all is well because you bought a kick ass front door for it.

Olive Garden

I always wondered what happened to those shitty writers that wrote for "America's Funniest Home Videos".   Well apparently they are now writing Olive Garden commercials.   These commercials drive me up a wall.   What is everyone at the table laughing about?!?!!?  Waiter, smash that serving tray over the fuckstick that just cracked that "joke"!  Example:

Patron 1: I don't know what I am going to have, there is just so much I want.

Patron 2: While your doing that, I am going to order the never ending pasta bowl.

Whole Table: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA ha!!!!!

What did I miss?  If anything this guy is a total dick for cutting the lady off while she was trying to order, and secondly what he said is not the least bit funny.

This is how that exchange should have went down in Salty's book:

Patron 1: This all looks good, I don't know what I am going to order!

Patron 2: While you doing tha........

Patron 1: Hey dick breath, I am still ordering.  Stuff some more bread sticks in your suck hole and give me five damn seconds.  And if you think what you were about to say was going to be funny, I can stick those breadsticks so far up your rear that you will have garlic breath until you are 60.  You are not funny, can't believe I agreed to have dinner with you and the rest of your whack ass family.

Look Olive Garden, your breadsticks are awesome but your commercials make me homicidal.  Fire all the butt plugs you have writing your commercials and stick to the pasta.