Home Depot Help

You have a better chance of finding a giraffe than finding someone to help you in Home Depot.

Hi-Chew

If I eat a package of these and don't eat a dumpster full of popcorn and start thinking Paulie Shore movies are funny, than this is false advertising.

Guy Fawkes

If you are on the lookout for complete throw away losers go to your nearest protest and find the douche wearing this mask.   These people are profesional agitators and anarchists.  "Hey!  Look at me, I am super hip and really know how to run a protest.  I am afraid of nothing, well except anyone knowing who I am because then they will know I still live with my parents."  "I saw a movie where a guy wearing this mask was a real badass so I must be one too huh?!?!"  Nope, you are terrible like the movie.   Get a job butt munch.  Even if that job is sellng those stupid masks.  When I see one of those masks at a protest, I am instantly against whatever the protesters want.   Their cause could be to save kids from being thrown into wood chippers and right when I see a Guy Fawkes mask I would be the first one hucking a kid into those insatiable jaws.  Honestly, screw these masks and the dorks wearing them.

Carpool

If this guy volunteers, I will pass.  Doors are overrated.  

Slow Burn

If you rock a flame paint job on you vehicle you should not be allowed to 55 on the highway.  You should be pulled over and have the flame paint job sand blasted off your car.  

Dish Drop Cheering Guy

Everyone has been in a restaurant when one of the servers drops a tray of dishes or drinks.  Then there is always the slap dick that starts either clapping or cheering this on.   I despise this person.  I can't decide whehter this is the bully from grade school trying to relive his heyday or the bullied kid from grade school finally being able to cheer somone else's misfortune.  Either way, you are a total nimrod.  I would love to grab one of those shards of glass and stick it in your eye.   The server feels bad enough about his or her mistake and does not need Sea Bass celebrating it.  Why don't you go find a local grade school and kick some ass in dodge ball loser.  

Ebola

Can someone please explain to me why we are still letting people in the country from West Africa?  I read some article today by some all knowing ass bag that said that if we did that, the disease will spread quicker.  What?   Huh?   Seriously, explain this to me.  If we quarantined people that had passports from Ebola hot zones, it will spread quicker!?!?!?   Are there editors that question nothing people put out anymore?  If I had the flu I would not go to the office.  Guess why…..cause I do not want to give anyone else the flu!!!  By this douche's logic I should go to work and lick everyone's space bar and cough in the coffee.   With his thinking the flu is unable to spread in my office now.   What am I missing?

Dear Jimmy John's

Your commercials are not funny.  Not even close.  Actually they are all kinds of awful.  Did you just let the most annoying jackass that thinks he is funny come up with these terrible spots?  Fix it.  Freaky fast? F'ing stupid more like it.

Minimum Wage

I see that the $15.00 an hour wage honks are out in full force again.   Listen, there are great people that work for minimum wage but $15.00 an hour is a total and complete joke.   When you are making minimum wage that really means you are pretty much expendable as an employee.  If you can be replaced by the next schmo that walks in the door, you are not worth $15.00 an hour.  Sorry, that is the reality of it.  Make yourself an asset to the company you work for so they want, better yet, need you around.  You will not be at $7.25 for long.  If you have been working as the fry cook for three years, there is something wrong with YOU not your employer.  Tell me what you do at your work and I can tell you if you deserve $15.00 an hour.  Can a machine do it……uh oh, you are not worth $15.00 an hour.  "These people need $15.00 an hour to feed their family" is what you hear from the "activists".  If you are counting on your minimum wage job to keep your family fed, you have made a terrible choice or choices in your life that has put you in this situation.  Are there exceptions to the rule?  Hell yes, but more often than not it is someone that has shown extremely poor judgement in their life.  And all these Hollywood asshats that are out supporting this farce, I have one questions for you; what do you pay your personal assistant or PA?  You want to talk slave wages?  Go talk to the Hollywood elite and what they get away with.  Their reaction, "They are replaceable".  Guess what, so is the girl taking my order at the counter of KFC.  I know this from experience so can the heartless horse shit.  Work your ass off at a place long enough and you will get promoted.  If you don't, look in the damn mirror or take your "talents" somewhere will you will get promoted.   Life owes you nothing.

Chapstick

Is there anything on the planet easier to lose than Chapstick?  Then you find it, in the dryer, and you get to wash your cloths again!

Tips for betting horses at Del Mar

Don't bet on the ambulance, it always finishes last.

Informer

This song makes me want to kick school children in the neck.  Could not hate it worse....unless if someone starting playing Love Shack.  Then I would just cut my head off with a weed whacker.

LeBron

If, God forbid, LeBron's plane crashed on the way to Brazil for the World Cup, I honestly think that ESPN would just implode on itself.  Cease to exist.   Stephen A. Smith's face would start falling off his skull like that scene from Poltergeist.   I know it is big news he is returning to Cleveland but ESPN takes it to the next level.  How many different takes can you have on the matter?   Honestly?   I don't care what the Churro vendor on the corner thinks about his return.   Stop garggeling the guys nuts already.

Side note:  90% of the Miami fan base just stop caring about Basketball.   They are about as loyal Al Davis.   Marlins games are going to look packed compared to that arena. 

Boogie Boarder

If you wear a wetsuit when you boogie board you are a total jackass.

Super Happy Las Vegas TSA Worker

Eat a bag shit.

Dental Visit

I know, I know I need to floss my teeth more.  Honestly, I do floss but you keep pointing to the fact that my gums are bleeding as the clue that I don't floss my teeth enough.   The real reason my gums are bleeding is you floss my teeth the same way a cowboy ropes a calf.  I could floss my teeth every ten minutes and I would still bleed after one of your flossing assaults.  You are getting your whole body into it.  This should not be a workout for you.

Oh, and that little hook utensil you use.  It does not feel like a mouth massage when you catch my gum on that hook, it feels like the crap the Japanese used to do to POW's in WWII.  I am not sure you even need that thing anymore.  Everything else has been upgraded in your office except that medieval device.  Get with the times, that thing is still around because you like screwing with patients.   Sell those to Iran and lets upgrade and make the appointment a little less painful.

Wendy's Commercial

The new "Wendy" in the Wendy's commercial is making me homicidal.  There is no way anyone that eats that much Wendy's would be:

1) That thin.
2) That smart.
3) That condescending to everyone not eating Wendy's.
4) That not dead from heart disease

If I was eating at my desk and some co worker with a shit eating grin came up to me and criticized my sandwich, I would hit them in the face with my wireless keyboard.   Especially if it was a ginger.

Another note, remember when the real Wendy was doing commercials?  They dropped her like a hot rock for this slender, soon to be porn star chick and no one thought about plus size Wendy's feelings?  Doesn't she own part of the company?  I am sure she did not say, "Get my ugly tub of goo off the commercials and put in sassy pants".   I feel bad for her.

Racist?

I am not the type of person that sees racism in every aspect of society but this is pretty blatant.  

Kindergarten Graduation

Maybe I will feel differently when I have kids, but it seems parents are making a pretty big deal out of this "graduation".   "You worked really hard!  Congrats to my Timmy!"   Timmy would have to work harder not to graduate than to.  Honestly, aside from taking a dump in the sand box every week, how do you not graduate Kindergarten?  Let's take a step back in congratulating our kids for everything they do. It will make the big accomplishments seem less important if you are celebrating him not getting cake in his hair.

Gary Busey's Teeth

Holy shit.  It is like someone installed an enamel back stop in his mouth so his tongue could have batting practice.  I am surprised poachers have not taken him down.

Makeshift Memorial

The news just showed this memorial on TV for a fourteen year old killed this weekend.  You think they would take the time to get rid if all the Budweiser cans and bottles plus the twelve pack before airing it. One of the cans looks like someone crushed it on their forehead. Come on family.  Clean it up.

Mall Easter Bunny

Creepiest thing to ever walk the mall and that is saying a lot.  No wonder all the kids are crying when they have to sit on it's lap.  Having read Watership Down probably does not help the creepy ness I feel.

G-ride

When I think of the kind of vehicle a hard core gangster would drive, my 261st guess would be a PT Cruiser.  But then I was at the gas station and saw this dope white guy booming his gangsta rap.  He was talking on his phone and I thought I was next to Ice Cube.  Look G,  you are not hard nor gangsta.  You are a douche.  You trying to act hard in that ride is like me showing up to a Hells Angel bar riding a tricycle and acting hard core.  The 70 something lady even shook her head at you.  I would bet my truck she could take you in an arm wrestling match.  Oh, and tank tops are usually reserved  for people that have some sort of muscle tone. 

Safe Place

When criminals see this sign they become powerless to commit crimes.  Thank god for signs like these.  

Vegas Airport

Is there anything more depressing than the Las Vegas airport on Sunday morning?

Old Lady Burp

I was walking around the corner of our hallway and accidently ran into an older women who was coming the opposite way.  We both were startled but her skunk like defenses kicked in and she burped.  Top five worst things I have ever smelled.   This burp could clear a slaughter house.  If I think about it hard enough I will throw up.

Luge

How do you find out that you are good at luge and should start training for the Olympics?   Are you just the most kick ass sledder in your neighborhood?  Are you awesome at water slides?  Or are you just watching the winter Olympics cause there is absolutely nothing else on TV and notice that you too can sit on a sled and have gravity propel you down a chute?  You just know you can look like a bigger dildo than that Russian!  The sport would be a lot cooler if at the end of the slide it was the ski jump and they had to land a jump.  People would get hurt.  I would watch that.

Safeway Apples

Dear Safeway,

Is your produce department playing soccer with the red apples?   That can be the only explanation for their condition.   A horse would pass on some of those beat up excuses for apples.   Quality Control really needs a shake up.

All The Best,

Trying to be healthy and failing

Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies

How much herion are they allowed to put in this little buggers?  I cannot stop eating....

Shopping Cart

I have a few words for the people that cannot find the time to return your shopping cart to the little shopping cart coral; I hope your house catches on fire and just when you think you are going to get out alive, there is a shopping cart bloking your way.  It really is not that hard to walk the addition 30 feet to return the cart.   You are not in that much of a hurry.

Sidenote: I am entertained by people who vigorously whipe down their cart with the anti bacterial whipes as if they are wheeling that bad boy into surgery or some shit.  They do this to protect them from the disgusting bag of germs that had the cart before them.  Yet, once in the store they touch their carton of milk, fruits and veggies, and whatever else they need all while touching their face, children, and food without a care in the world.  Let me let you in a something, the guy stocking those shelves is not exactly in a Haz Mat suit when he does his job and he sure as shit does not wash his hands after using the restroom.  That should make you feel better about your food. 

Dear Hollywood

Can we not crap out a vampire movie for at least another year?  Vampire Academy?!?!  Are you dry baggin' me?  Who thinks of this garbage?  And don't you dare trot out those Twilight dildos again.  Enough is enough with that extended abortion of a movie series.  

God's Gift

No pressure on this kid.  Someone should slap his mom.  Sounds Swedish.

Handicapped Bathroom Stall

Am I supposed to treat the bathroom stall like I treat the handicapped parking stall at, say a grocery store?   Am I ever allowed to use it?   I have and I always feel a little pang of guilt when I saddle up on the handicapped toilet.  [Sidenote: the handicapped toilet is a little higher than normal toilets.  What is that all about?]   Love the space, hate the guilt.  Look, I have not seen a handicapped person in my office complex in at least five years.  If I knew there was one on our floor, that stall is all his.  But when I am on DEFCOM 5 turd alert and that is the stall that is open, I am sprinting in.  Sprinting not to rub it in that I can but sprinting because I do not want to buy a new pair of slacks.   Does anyone know the protocol here? 

"Tons of Capital"

So I get stuck talking to this guy that is looking to start a business.  He convinces me to meet with him because he has "tons of capital" to invest in this business venture.  When I see him for the first time I know I have totally wasted my time.  Here is some free advise my man.  If you say you have tons of capital, you might want to invest some of that capital on a new shirt and a whole lot on your grill.  It looks like you mistook a grenade for an apple.  I did not know teeth could go that direction.  Maybe, just maybe then people will take your business venture seriously.  What a waste of time.