Wet Crotch

When I am running into a meeting I like to take a big drink of water and have the majority of that water spill into my lap.  That way I go into the meeting looking like I have zero bladder control.  Clients dig that shit.

Dish Is How We Do It

I hate this commercial more than I hate Seahawks fans.  That is saying a lot.

Ginger ale

There is a ginger ale commercial where a farmer noticed his ginger disappearing from his field.  He grabs a stalk  and gets yanked through to a party apparently only serving ginger ale.  Worst party ever. What kind of host only serves that?!?!  It is more realistic that the farmer can get yanked through to the party than the actual party only serving ginger ale.

Halloween Costume?

If you tell someone you like their costume, you better make damn sure they are wearing a costume and not just normal cloths to them.

Lamar Odom

The news just did an update on his status.  Of course Khloe's name is brought up.  The newscaster then mentions that she is at his bed side and will stay there until he is better.  The female newscaster then said, "now that is true love!"  Say what?  He OD'ed at a whore house!  Khloe's spends more time in NBA locker rooms than ankle tape.  True love?  When I love someone I show them by dogging up a couple of hired guns and blow as much coke as possible.  I think Hallmark should make a card reflecting this.   This is why our media is a total joke.  They celebrate these diaper fires.  Please just go away.

Tired New Mom

I was walking out of my office and I noticed a man speaking with a woman and he said, "I don't care if you are a new mom and you are tired, you have to change your attitude."  I felt bad for her.  Then I thought if this were her husband saying that to her, he would probably be dead.

I did not see that guy the rest of the day.

Not Funny?

When jokingly going back and forth with someone about fighting them you should still keep it appropriate.   For example, don't do this which I did today:

Them: Don't make me slap you.

Me: If you slap me I will kick your face so hard your mom will fall over.

Them: My mom is dead.

Me: Then she will roll over.

That went over like a fart in church.  

Making Out

We are in an airport guys.  Maybe wait to make out for when you get home.  You think you are the most in love couple in the world but in reality you will hate each other in six months.

Austin Beards

Beards are all the rage in Austin, Texas.  A majority of the guys here have beards and they are really proud of them.  It looks like the whole confederate army is here on vacation.  Also, when you grow a beard it turns you into the most knowledgable person on any subject.  "You can't question me!  Have you seen the beard?!?!"  

I also got this doosy from a bearded bartender:

Me: nice bar you have here.

Beard: it is not a bar, it is a craft cocktail lounge.

Me: whatever tickles your whiskers.

Beard walks away.

New Diet

I came up with a new diet and it is really easy.  This is what you do.  Order a pizza at a restaurant.  Make sure your slice is nuclear hot.  Then stuff it in you mug and absolutely fry the ceiling of you mouth.  Viola!  Now you can't eat or taste anything.  The pounds will melt off.  Thank me later and hopefully your teeth don't fall out.

Awful Shirt, Worse Person

If someone buys this shirt or the one below it, it should come with a rusty rake shot to the face.  You are total meat sauce if you think this is a great shirt.  Please stay at the gym.  Everyone other than your workout "buddy" thinks you are an insufferable jack ass.  The Jersy Shore guys think this shirt is horrible.  Again stay at a gym and hopefully it is your home gym.

Bike Shop

If you think the difference between whether your Bike Shop makes it is 10 bikes parked out front, or the 5 my Landlord will allow you, your business was destined to fail mightily.  I go to all the trouble convincing my Landlord that 5 bikes out front is not big deal and you throw a hissy fit?   Are you 7?  No one is driving through the center and notices your bike shop and is like, "I need a bike but these yahoos only have 5 bikes out front and not 10, screw them."   You are not Target.  Take your five bikes and shut your pie hole. 

Oh, and guess what?   Bikes are not the transportation of the future.  This is not China.  Try going to the grocery store, with a kid, in bad weather, during rush hour on your bike dipshit.  Maybe bikes are the future for the ten single bike enthusiasts but  for us with responsibilities like work and family, it does not work.    

Sweet 16

I was just watching one of these shows where the "parents" throw some over the top 16th birthday party for their brat, I mean, kid.  This particular kid was not missing any meals and was not afaid to smash any kind of cake into her bear trap of a mouth.  At one point the dad says, "Look at my daughter."  Right then the camera pans over to catch his daughter slamming what had to be her sixth slice of cake in her mouth.  "I am so proud of her.  She really deserves this!"   Deserve?  Proud?  Proud that she made it to 16?  It is not like she was born in the Congo where that would really be a feat.  You being proud of her turning sixteen would be like me being proud of myself for breathing all day.  I can't wait to see the follow up in five years when she is back in rehab for the fourth time.   This parent will probably throw her a party for that too.

Airport Politics

I love being lectured on race by a guy who voted for his guy based solely on race and the belief that, "they deserved a bite at the apple".

Las Vegas airport on Sunday is still the worse place ever.

Crappy Rest Stop

We had to stop at this shady rest stop and I saw this sign posted.  Of course I had to ask the question.

Salty: is the crapping outside really a big problem?

Clerk: it is a huge problem but the sign has really cut down on the instances.

Salty: tough job

Clerks friend: you can't imagine what it is like having to clean it up.

Salty: man, that sucks.

Clerk and friend: yup

What happened to human decency?  It Does not exist between Gila Bend and Yuma, FYI.  The $20.00 fine was worth it though.

In the Hole!

Please stop yelling this after every effing shot.  It is not funny asslips.

New Age Jesus

The original Jesus would have killed for that little wheel.

Adult Batman

Yes, this is an adult male wearing a batman mask at a baseball game.  I don't care if Harvey was pitching and that his nickname is the "dark knight".  I would bet my house this guy drives some sort of van or truck that has little to no windows or completely blacked out windows.  When confronted that he is an adult he would say, "hey, batman was an adult."  No, you creeper, batman is a made up character.  Grow up douche.

Car Dump

Is this woman driving her car to the dump to unload all that trash?  Negative, apparently her car is the dump.  Hoarders are mobile now.

Slick

When you think you are really slick, you act like nothing can make you look bad, when you think nothing can make you look bad you tuck your shirt into your boxers and look like a jackass.

Hamburgurlar Is Back

McDonald's just announced that the Hamburgurlar is coming back.  Back from the dead?  The original Hamburgurlar had to have died by congestive heart failure or stroke.  Just like Popeye's pal Wimpy.  

On this McDonald's mascot note, what the hell was Grimace supposed to be?  I know his name derives from the face you make five minutes after finishing your meal, but what was he?  I am pretty sure Gimaces' love child went to college with me.  I had a class with a girl that looked just like him minus being purple.  

Boulangerie

How the hell do you say this word?  What happened to bakery?

You Did Know You Were Going to Be on TV and not Radio?

There are a couple of possibilities here:

1) a spider fell on his head 2 seconds before they went live

2) his blind cousin is looking to get into hair styling and he did the blind guy a solid.

3) the boom mic has a vaacume attached to it.

4) he is a raging alcoholic

5) he does not GAF.

Swinger

Hate to burst your bubble but if you think you are a swinger but your wife does not know you are, you are not a swinger, you are a cheater.   Pretty sure if she was "swinging" and you did not know about it, you would not be super pumped.

Meal Replacement Smoothie

So at lunch I tried a client of mine's meal replacement smoothie.  Like the title says it is suppose to replace my lunch with this smoothie.  The only thing it has replaced is my normal walk to the bathroom with a full olympic sprint to the can.  This is going to take some getting used to.

Atomic Gas

The guy taking a growler in one of the stalls next to me farted so loudly that I dropped my phone.  At first I thought someone had driven a dumptruck into the bathroom.  I did not know if I should hit the deck or applaud the guy.   What was even more impressive was that he was a stall away.  He might have some O ring issues but I bet that felt amazing.

Peanut Butter and Chocolate

The reaction people give me when I tell them I do not like this combination is similar to the reaction I think I would get if I told them I believe the earth is flat.  It is utter amazement followed by ridicule.  They think I should be punished in some way.  It is not like I said I did not like pizza.  Those people should be put in internment camps a la WW 2.

Wash Your Hands

Shouldn't this sign read, "Everyone must wash your hands"?  It boggles my mind there are still sickos that don't wash their hands after handling their crank or wiping their poop chute.  This guy is kneading the dough for your pizza.

Cell Phone Clock

I do not wear a watch so I depend on my cell phone for the time.  When I am out and I need to time I will pull out my cell phone.  After checking texts and updates I put my phone back in my pocket still having no clue what time it is.  This happens at a bare minimum twice a day.   Please tell me this happens to other people or am I just a moron?

Left Shark

I love Left Shark.  That animal stole the show at the Super Bowl.  I wish Left Shark would eat Baxter the Dbacks mascot.  

Boxed Water

So this exists now.  Tasted like water.

Sexual Assault Ban

Just saw a politician on TV saying that she is trying to pass a bill that would ban sexual assault on college campuses.  Seriously?   Isn't sexual assault already against the law?   What would this change?   People will not stop committing sexual assault because you banned it on campus.   People commit sexual assault because they are evil assholes that think they are entitled to another person's body.  A ban will not change that you moron.   Then the person conducting the interview called her courageous.  WHAT?   What is courageous about that?   Who is going to stand against this bill?  No one.   No one is FOR sexual assault!  Most politicians are so full of shit they think something like this really works.   How about a ban on murder on campus?   How about a ban on cutting people's heads off?  I personally would like to see a ban on taking a dump in someone's backpack.   All these things are against the law so banning them does NOTHING!  If you are courageous for this ban than I am courageous for waking up this morning.   What I did was actually tougher.

Sleeper Hold

Don't call CPS on me but there has to be a sleeper hold you can put on an infant right?  Not to harm but just to make go to sleep when I want.  Just a thought.

Elevator BO

If you do not wear deoderant, you should not be allowed to get on an elevator.  I would have rather got in an overflowing J Jon than ride in an elevator with this guy.   His BO gave me a headache and acid indigestion.   Please use the stairs or a shower sir.  

Jack in the Box Bag Sniff

In the new Jack in the Box commercial the lady is famished while at work.  Nobody panic, there is Jack with a bag of his "food"!  The lady grabs the bag, sticks her mug in it, and takes a big whiff.  Surprisingly she does not keel over right there or begin throwing up uncontrollably.  In the commercial the smell of the bag quenches her appetite.  Thank god for Jack in the Box!  (Those words have never been uttered before 2 am, ever.)

Whoever thought this commercial up has obviously never stuck there nose in a bag of dogshit/Jack in the Box.  

Seat Warmers

The seat warmer in my car make me have to crap like nobodies business.  If I drank a Starbucks hot chocolate and had my seat warmers on I would have to get my seat reupholstered.