Board Shorts

Is there any way to piss when wearing board shorts without a drop of pee falling into the crotch?  You can yank on your crank like you are trying to start a lawn mower and sure as shit, the last drop will fall right on your crotch.  Then you get to walk out of the bathroom with a spot on your crotch and act like it does not exist.  Maybe wearing board shorts to the bar is not a good idea.

Toots

The guy in front of me at the grocery store called the checkout girl "toots" when he left. 
As in:
"Have a nice day!"  
"Thanks Toots!"

This seemed to irk the checkout gal.  The following is our conversation:

CG: That guy has some nerve calling me toots.

SD: Cool your jets and check me out there hun.

I did not say that but it would have been great if I had.   Just a note, seems as though females do not like being called "toots" in most to all situations.  I will do some more research over the next week.

Pick a Winner

Have you ever been sitting in a meeting and come to the realization that you are two knuckles deep picking your nose.  That happened to me today.  I could have been doing it for five seconds or five minutes.  I am sure people were impressed.

Front of the Plane

Is it me or is this wear all the dumb, fat, old, and generally slow get to sit?  I was on a plane recently and this fat woman was the third person to leave the plane but what would take a no armed man 30 seconds took this woman ten minutes.  People offered to help but "She could handle it".  Uh, no you can't.  Getting her bag out of the over head baggage area was the first time she had put her arms above her head in 6 months.  Then she drops her hat and she takes another 5 minutes picking it up.  Then she had to have a conversation with the crew on her way out.  Are these people capable of moving faster than a sloth.  If it were up to me, when the plan door opens, everyone has to move like people move when they have diarrhea and the bathroom might be too far away to make it.  Let's move people!  I have booze to drink!

Backpack

The only male adults over 45 that should be wearing a backpack are:

1) People in the military

2) Hunters

3) Hikers

4) Camelback wearers

5) Search and rescue personnel

6) Fathers that are carrying their kids Pocohontas style

7) Adult retards

These are the others:

1) Serial killers

2) Serial perverts

3) Serial perverts' bitch that carries his rape tools

4) Serial drug addict that is on that spice shit that make you eat people

5) Serial homeless person that carries some combination of 3 and 4 in backpack

6) Super shady, fuck knuckle that had a leather backpack that probably had a severed head in it today at the bar I was at.

You HAVE To Try This!

So I get stuck with a client that wants to grab a late lunch (3:30).  "Oh, you have to try this restaurant I stumbled across last time I was in town.  The best Indian/Burmese food ever!"  Uh, Burmese food?  I am not quite sure what that consists of but I know Indian food sucks ball so we are off on the wrong foot already.   I told him I already ate so he invited me to join him and we could talk shop.  SIDE NOTE: I hate the term "talk shop".   Jackasses use this term to sound like they are Johnny Business.  Wrong, you are Johnny Douche that is going to waste a hour of my life. Anyway, we get to the restaurant and it is the only place in the shopping center where there are not vagrants hanging outside and when I get within 15 feet I know why.  If you restaurant smells like the combination of a pot of boiling diarrhea and a small electrical fire, I am not eating or sitting or staying for that matter.  If the hobos won't go near your door because of the smell, there are some serious issues a foot.  But, lucky me, I am with my client so have to enter the war zone.  My eyes start watering upon entry and to my utter shock, there is no one in the place.   We sit down in some booth concoction dreamed up by someone who thinks humans cannot be taller than 5 foot 6.  My client is going to eat light which occording to the platter that was put in front of us, is eating for about four people.  Pigs would run from this platter.  "You have to try this stuff here.  I know it looks bad, but give it a try."  It looks bad?  It looks fucking awful.  How do you get food that color?  Oh, and if you have to call it paste, it is going to tastle like the inside of a camels asshole, also where I think most of this muck came from.  Paste?  Really?  Last time I heard of someone eating paste was in preschool and I am pretty sure that kid had brain damage.  And no, I don't have to try it.  I don't have to try shit, I am still in America, I think, so I will again pass.  Just like you don't have to try taking a kick from me to your trouser snake, I don't have to eat your crap.  Also, a lot of hand eating at this joint.  WTF is that all about?  I am waiting for Grog the caveman to come out and join my client to teach him the suttle nuances of hand slop.  I cannot wait to get back outside just so I can smell something other than sweat, curry, fire, death, and butt paste.  Even the water tasted different.  Probably do to my senses in panic mode and the smell has made it's way into this watery liquid via some form of osmosis.

Cliff Notes version of the end is I say I have to get going and he says he is going to stick around.  For what exactly, that is for his ass to figure out.  I am not sure I was in a full sprint out of this place but it was close.  I am going to have to throw my cloths away.  Just stay away from any restaurant that has Manish or Manush in the name.  You will thank me, so will your bowels.

Unisex Bathrooms

When did this become the new thing at bars/clubs?   This is a terrible idea and I can't see the upside for either sex.  The last thing I want to do when I am out is have to piss next to someone of the opposite sex.  Hot girls can never be hot again when you know they are swimming a butt squirrel in the stall next to you.   That image can never get out of your head.   Plus, the bathroom is where guys go to fart so they are not blowing ass gas in the public areas.  It is also a positive because really drunk dudes show so much tact when around women in public areas, lets let them be close to them when they are doing their business.  The only person this really works well for is the drug dealers.  Yeah them!