Rock N Roll Gangster

Yep, this is a male. Worst shirt I have seen in six months.

Unfamiliar Grocery Store

Is it just me or am I the only one when walking into a grocery store that I do not frequent, it is as if I just walked into a grocery store in Russia?  I can't find anything, stuff is backwards, the bakery is in BFE, where the hell are the spices and sugar?!?!?!!  Maybe I am just so simple minded that the smallest bit of change at a grocery store sends me into a tailspin of retardation.  Plus it seems like all the employees are doing ninja training so I cannot get any help and just have to walk the halls aimlessly.  Maybe just me.....

On a real side note:  The Starbucks lady inside the Safeway told me one time she could not make my beverage because she was out of milk.  HELLO!  You are in a fucking grocery store!  There is twenty yards of milk in the back of this place!  Am I on candid camera!??!  You could use the GOS on the iPhone that you have sewn to your face to find the back of the building where you work.  Use your brain toots.

Baggage Claim

I could writw a book about the airport and how the whole place pisses me off but I will break it up into small posts every once in awhile. 

Let's start with Baggage Claim.   Is there a bigger cluster fuck in the whole airport then this area?  I know, the security line but I will deal with that in another post.  People lose all common sense at baggage claim.   Believe it or not jackass, other people have a black bag!   No need for you to grab everyone one of them off the carousel so you can check the name tag.  Then there is the dude that is protecting his three feet of carousel space like he is boxing out Shaq.  Or the moron who has seven bags coming out and no family. He has all his bags around him like a fort and no one else can get to their bags.  Unless you are on your way to hike Mt. St. Helens, you do not need all that gear, butthole.  Then there are the parents that think that at baggage claim they can let their kids roam free like they are at playground.  Kids running in and out of people and bags screaming bloody murder.  Then sure as shit, bonk, suitcase to the head.  The mom gives the guy trying to get his baggage of the merry go round a bad look as if he is in the wrong.  Like he is on the playground of this litttle devil's school whapping kids with his bag.  I want to stuff one of these little devils in my bag and see mom freak out when she can't find them, wha la, I grab the little tyrant out my bag and tell her to keep her eye on the little puke.  And no, I have no problem with kids.  I love well behaved kids.  I have a huge problem with entitled, terribly behaved, brats that have no sense of right and wrong.

Let's get back to baggage claim.  How about the man who will not help the lady out that is getting dragged down the carousel by her bag because it is too heavy.  Hey ass hat, help the lady out!  Oh, that is right, you don't want to leave your precious, kick ass spot right where the bags come out.  Speaking of that, why do people crowd the clown's mouth where all the bags come out like they are saving themselves a whopping 15 seconds there.  I would also like to talk to the person that announces what carousel the bags are coming out of.  Is it this hard to find someone that can speak english for this position?  Or maybe a person that is not giving head to the microphone so it all sounds like the same word?  Oh, and then the moron whose job it is to type out the reader board.  This guy is wrong more than weatherman.

I usually leave the baggage claim ready to fight someone I am so mad.  But there was this one time.  I remember it like a dream.  I was at the Las Vegas baggage claim at my denoted area to pick up my bags.  Then it happened......my bag came off first!  I almost shit myself.  I was running around the airport like I just won the lottery.  Might have been one of the best moments of my life.  Right until one of my co workers said, "You know it doesn't really matter, you had to wait for us anyway.  So it was like yours just came out when ours did."  I probably should have not told her that I hope she died this week but she tried to take my victory from me and that will not stand.

Needless to say, I hate the baggage claim.  There has to be a better way.  In this day in age when we can chat face to face with someone in Poland when I am in LA, we are still using the same method of delivering bags that we did in the seventies.

Board Shorts

Is there any way to piss when wearing board shorts without a drop of pee falling into the crotch?  You can yank on your crank like you are trying to start a lawn mower and sure as shit, the last drop will fall right on your crotch.  Then you get to walk out of the bathroom with a spot on your crotch and act like it does not exist.  Maybe wearing board shorts to the bar is not a good idea.

Toots

The guy in front of me at the grocery store called the checkout girl "toots" when he left. 
As in:
"Have a nice day!"  
"Thanks Toots!"

This seemed to irk the checkout gal.  The following is our conversation:

CG: That guy has some nerve calling me toots.

SD: Cool your jets and check me out there hun.

I did not say that but it would have been great if I had.   Just a note, seems as though females do not like being called "toots" in most to all situations.  I will do some more research over the next week.

Pick a Winner

Have you ever been sitting in a meeting and come to the realization that you are two knuckles deep picking your nose.  That happened to me today.  I could have been doing it for five seconds or five minutes.  I am sure people were impressed.

Front of the Plane

Is it me or is this wear all the dumb, fat, old, and generally slow get to sit?  I was on a plane recently and this fat woman was the third person to leave the plane but what would take a no armed man 30 seconds took this woman ten minutes.  People offered to help but "She could handle it".  Uh, no you can't.  Getting her bag out of the over head baggage area was the first time she had put her arms above her head in 6 months.  Then she drops her hat and she takes another 5 minutes picking it up.  Then she had to have a conversation with the crew on her way out.  Are these people capable of moving faster than a sloth.  If it were up to me, when the plan door opens, everyone has to move like people move when they have diarrhea and the bathroom might be too far away to make it.  Let's move people!  I have booze to drink!

Backpack

The only male adults over 45 that should be wearing a backpack are:

1) People in the military

2) Hunters

3) Hikers

4) Camelback wearers

5) Search and rescue personnel

6) Fathers that are carrying their kids Pocohontas style

7) Adult retards

These are the others:

1) Serial killers

2) Serial perverts

3) Serial perverts' bitch that carries his rape tools

4) Serial drug addict that is on that spice shit that make you eat people

5) Serial homeless person that carries some combination of 3 and 4 in backpack

6) Super shady, fuck knuckle that had a leather backpack that probably had a severed head in it today at the bar I was at.