Song Stuck in my Head

I think if someone singing a really annoying song gets the song stuck in your head you should be able to spit in the person's face.  I have "Call me Maybe" in my head now and I can't shake it.  Thanks 14 year old on a bike.

Thank You Very Little

You know when this quote was funny?  Back in 1980 when Chevy Chase said it in Caddyshack.  You know when it is not?  Everytime a guy I do business says it to me.   It takes every fabric of my being to not punch him in the dick everytime he says it.  If you say this, stop.  Please.  You are not being funny, you are being an asshole.   Especially if someone does not know where it is from.  If I had never seen Caddyshack and I was working at let's say Starbucks and some ass monkey said, "Thank you very little" after I gave him his change, I would for sure tea bag his coffee.

Places I've Pooped

So my friend tells me about this phenomenal new app called Places I've Pooped.  As you might have guessed this app maps the joints you have dumped in.  At first I was skeptical, then I was addicted.  I really feel like I am making my own history of crapping conquests.  The GPS plots, within a couple of yards or so, where you laid wolf bait.  Here is the problem, I have grown tired of my old marks on the map.  This goes against everything I am about.  I am the type of guy that needs a familiar place to crap.  I like to know the surroundings and fell comfortable.  Not now, I would shit in your front lawn if I got to plot a new point on my map.  I left my office building and went to the one next door just to get some yardage separation.  I was driving down the street and I catch myself thinking, "That would be a good place to swim a butt fish"  So be on the lookout.  I might be bombing somewhere near you soon.  Only a matter of time now before I get arrested.   I am not sure there is an app for that, "Places I got arrested pooping".  

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That is supposed to be turd falling in a watery grave.  Just give it time.....

Gum

Is it impossible to throw your gum in a trash can or even a tissue?   I just stepped in a Willie Wonka size pile of someone's gum.  Now I have more crap stuck to the bottom of my shoe than a dairy farmer.   The tap dancer sound my shoe makes now on hard floors is another bonus.  I wish I could catch someone throwing their gum on the ground like this bag of used condoms so I could slam that wad right up his fart hole.

Side note:  Whoever said that when you get gum in your hair, something that should never happen to you past age 10, you should put peanut butter on it is full of shit.  Two sticky substances do not make a right, it makes for a shaved head.

Socks on the Beach

If you wear socks on the beach and you are not homeless you are pretty much a lost cause.

Sock Goblin

I really need to know where my socks are going.  I have 30 socks on my table and have about one that matches his mate.   Whenever I bring this predicament up to people they come back with things such as:

-the sock goblin got them
-the sock elf stole them
-they went to sock purgatory

Very cute but honestly, where the hell are the damn socks!   They are not just disappearing.   Are they spontaneously combusting?  I need some serious answers here!   "Did you check by your hamper?"  No, I have been looking all over my stupid house and the one place I did not check was the last place I saw them together.  Come on people!  I am not that stupid.   If there is some little fucker such as a sock goblin or elf and I catch this SOB, there is going to be hell to pay.  I am talking some serious Pulp Fiction crap here, including the rape.  Leave my socks alone you little jackass.

Again, where are my socks?  There has to be an easy answer.