You HAVE To Try This!

So I get stuck with a client that wants to grab a late lunch (3:30).  "Oh, you have to try this restaurant I stumbled across last time I was in town.  The best Indian/Burmese food ever!"  Uh, Burmese food?  I am not quite sure what that consists of but I know Indian food sucks ball so we are off on the wrong foot already.   I told him I already ate so he invited me to join him and we could talk shop.  SIDE NOTE: I hate the term "talk shop".   Jackasses use this term to sound like they are Johnny Business.  Wrong, you are Johnny Douche that is going to waste a hour of my life. Anyway, we get to the restaurant and it is the only place in the shopping center where there are not vagrants hanging outside and when I get within 15 feet I know why.  If you restaurant smells like the combination of a pot of boiling diarrhea and a small electrical fire, I am not eating or sitting or staying for that matter.  If the hobos won't go near your door because of the smell, there are some serious issues a foot.  But, lucky me, I am with my client so have to enter the war zone.  My eyes start watering upon entry and to my utter shock, there is no one in the place.   We sit down in some booth concoction dreamed up by someone who thinks humans cannot be taller than 5 foot 6.  My client is going to eat light which occording to the platter that was put in front of us, is eating for about four people.  Pigs would run from this platter.  "You have to try this stuff here.  I know it looks bad, but give it a try."  It looks bad?  It looks fucking awful.  How do you get food that color?  Oh, and if you have to call it paste, it is going to tastle like the inside of a camels asshole, also where I think most of this muck came from.  Paste?  Really?  Last time I heard of someone eating paste was in preschool and I am pretty sure that kid had brain damage.  And no, I don't have to try it.  I don't have to try shit, I am still in America, I think, so I will again pass.  Just like you don't have to try taking a kick from me to your trouser snake, I don't have to eat your crap.  Also, a lot of hand eating at this joint.  WTF is that all about?  I am waiting for Grog the caveman to come out and join my client to teach him the suttle nuances of hand slop.  I cannot wait to get back outside just so I can smell something other than sweat, curry, fire, death, and butt paste.  Even the water tasted different.  Probably do to my senses in panic mode and the smell has made it's way into this watery liquid via some form of osmosis.

Cliff Notes version of the end is I say I have to get going and he says he is going to stick around.  For what exactly, that is for his ass to figure out.  I am not sure I was in a full sprint out of this place but it was close.  I am going to have to throw my cloths away.  Just stay away from any restaurant that has Manish or Manush in the name.  You will thank me, so will your bowels.

Unisex Bathrooms

When did this become the new thing at bars/clubs?   This is a terrible idea and I can't see the upside for either sex.  The last thing I want to do when I am out is have to piss next to someone of the opposite sex.  Hot girls can never be hot again when you know they are swimming a butt squirrel in the stall next to you.   That image can never get out of your head.   Plus, the bathroom is where guys go to fart so they are not blowing ass gas in the public areas.  It is also a positive because really drunk dudes show so much tact when around women in public areas, lets let them be close to them when they are doing their business.  The only person this really works well for is the drug dealers.  Yeah them!

Misstache

Females are not supposed to have mustaches, period.  I have no clue how you are not seeing that mini Sanchez every time you look in the mirror.  You are talking with your little sister, who is showing signs of cultivation on her upper lip too, about how you cannot wait until you meet someone and get married.  Here is some advice there Magnum, that caterpillar you have hibernating on your upper lip is like male kryptonite.  No dude in his right mind is into that fuzz.  Maybe one out of a country is into that and he is probably making a skin suit a la Buffalo Bill.  Get a razor and go to town on that upper lip and you will get a dude.  We are not that picky but some shit does not fly.  I did not get a look at your pits but by the length of your mustache something tells me you got two puppy Ewoks living under your arms.  Razor that crap too and run some deodorant in those bad boys and you will be face banging in no time.  Wow, look at you!  You look like a woman now!  Now go slap your dad for wearing the Gilligan's Island hat and we are all square.

Cell Phone Speaker

I have a client that has a quirk when he is talking on his cell phone.   Whenever he is speaking, he holds the phone away from his ear right in front of his face.  Then when he wants to listen again he puts the phone back to his ear.   He keeps up with this charade throughout the conversation.  I just chalked it up to his quirkiness but then I saw another bozo doing the same thing at the grocery store.  Hey dipshits, your phone is designed so you can talk with the phone up to your ear!  This is not 1938.  Maybe we should install a rotary dial on your cell phone as well.  Oh and it is a cell phone, not a celly.   I don't care where you come from, you say that again and I will head butt you.

Buzzed Guy

You know the feeling after you have a couple of alcoholic beverages where you feel like all is well in the world?  A lot of people call it "buzzed".  I love that feeling.  Why is it that "buzzed guy" cannot hang out longer?  I will tell you why, because "buzzed guy" likes how he got to become "buzzed guy" and continues slamming drinks thinking that will make "buzzed guy" even buzzier.  Wrong!  "Buzzed guy" quickly turns into "That Guy".  "That guy" is far less enjoyable.  "That guy" loses common sense and tact.  1 out 10 times "that guy" is fun and that stat could be wrong.  Most of the time "that guy" insults the group he was with, thinks he has the world figured out, tells some people how to live their lives, thinks he is the life of the party, and has the whole party/bar/event not wanting to hang out with "that guy".  If you find yourself being "that guy" it is essential that you find "come on guy" as in, "Come on guy don't piss in the corner" or "Come on guy, stop hitting on my grandmother" or my favorite, "Come on guy, you are drinking out of an ash tray."  Find "come on guy" and make sure you do not get to that level and people will start thinking, "That guy is pretty bad but look over there, come on guy is riding a bike naked through someone's kitchen he doesn't know."  I just wish I could stay "buzzed guy".

Sometime maybe I can post about, "Just sit there and don't move guy".  He is a real hoot.

Mint Gum

Why is it everytime I chew minty gum and then take a drink of water it seems like a dragon just burped down my throat?  Can we come up with some gum that does not hinder me from drinking water for a half hour after gnawing on it?  Water should go down easy not like lava.

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Killer

Really Hollywood?!?! Is there no writers worth a shit out there any more?

Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Dear Kardashian Family,

We are all caught up now.  Please go away.  On your way out please explain to me why you are famous so we all know.

Sincerely,

95% of the world

Death Call

I was just watching TV and a commercial came on for an attorney's office about some drug.  The commercial stated, "If you have taken Sasaserin and experienced any of the following, please give us a call because you might be due some large finacial compensation: Shortness of breathe, blood in urine, extreme fever, trouble sleeping, numbness in your extremities, or death.  If you have experienced any of these symptoms please give Buttplug Attorneys at Law a call so we can fight for you."  If I experienced death I am going to have a pretty rough time calling your office brainiac.  I am going to have an even rougher time making use of that financial compensation.  Might as well ask me to call you after having my head cut off by Al Qeida so you can sue the knife manufacturer.  Don't act like you have sympathy for your clients when you ask them to call, all you see is $$$.  Fight for me?  More like cash in on me.  This rant is giving me a headache, I am going to take some Sasaserin.

Poets

Note to all the poets out there: If you do not rhyme your poetry you are just a jackass talking into a microphone or writing crappy words in a "journal".  I can talk into a microphone about a horse running in a meadow without rhyming and I know that I am not an artist so that means neither are you.  I know you "poets" will say that there are others that enjoy your craft.  Bullshit.  Those are just others fucksticks that are justifying their lack of talent  by acting like they enjoy the shovel of turds you are scooping just hoping that you will stick around to hear their turd sandwich.  BTW, don't get me started on Haiku.  That is not an art form either.  I was writing Haiku in fourth fucking grade.  Your skill is something I was doing in fourth grade with ease by the way.  The dumbest kid in our school could burp out a Haiku and that is what you are claiming as art?  There is a reason there are starving artist, it is because no one wants to pay you for your shit.  Get a job.