Following Directions

Hell no! She is too busy jabbering on the phone about her nails and smoking a coffin nail.

Body Odor Person

Honestly, what am I missing with you?   You have to be able to smell yourself, I mean I smelled you from about 75 yards away.  What point are you trying to prove?   That you have no one that wants to get within 30 feet of you.   And you are not homeless, you are just disgusting to be disgusting.  Don't give me the, " the chemicals in soap and deodorant upset your skin or are used on animals" bs either.   There are all natural alternatives that you can put in those pits of filth of yours.  Plus the animals you are protecting would prefer you did something about your stink too.  How about just running some water on your body?   Cruise by the fire department and I am sure they would hose you down for free.  I tell you what, I will buy you a brand new pair of bongos and take you on a shopping spree to the deodorant aisle at Costco, all on me.  I will even throw in some shampoo.  Medusa thinks your hair sucks.

What is even more perplexing is the normal dude that has BO.  The guy at the deli today was in a suit and smelled like Khandahar.   How does that happen?   This guy mistook the meaning of hard sell.  Someone has to let this jerk off know that he is awful.   Today, it was not going to be me.  He had that crazy eye going on and I think he was having a bad decade.  Definitely too old not to know he stunk.  Maybe next time.

Weight Room Guy

Hey, I get that working out is better than sex to you but can we do without the grunts, screams, and extreme heavy exhales?  I know that you are trying to get yourself pumped for your 20th round of bench but use your inside voice or maybe even nothing at all.  I also don't think slapping your biceps is doing anything for you.  Everyone looks at themselves in the mirror at the gym but you are a couple stares and glances away from slow dancing with yourself.  Clean it up, the mirror is starting to get nervous.  I am impressed that you can squat all that weight.  You know what would impress me more?  Running those sweat pants through the wash once every six months.  You think you don't sweat but those sweats smell like the inside of a used coffin.  I am happy that you are being healthy and taking care of yourself but it this is not your house so please be aware of other people.   Also, don't look over at me and give me that little smirk that I am not as muslcular than you are.  I don't want to look like that just like I don't want a "Bad Boy" sticker on my car like yours.  We live in different worlds with differnt priorities.  We share some space a couple of times a week, let's just make it enjoyable for all.

PS - Please take care of the New York City of all zits on your back.  I think it winked at me today.

Frat Tat

In 1996 this bad boy was bitchin. In 2012 it is a douche magnet. Every time some dude comes up to me asks me if I was really a SAE, I want to cry a little bit because I know this guy is going to want to talk about how rad his chapter is. No buddy, we have nothing in common other than the hand shake and that we happen to have both been SAE's. No, I do not bleed purple and gold. No, I do not want to hear about what soririties are hot at you school. No, I do not know the True Gentleman anymore. If I would have known the BS this tattoo was going to put me through, I would have cut off my ankle instead of tattooing it. I wish 2012 Salty could talk to 1996 Salty. Sit him down and explain the pitfalls of this tattoo. Let him know how much crap he will have to endure becuase of this decision. Let him know that the tattoo has impressed zero girls. On the contrary, I think it might have scared a couple away. The only think it attracts is buttholes that want to give you the shake, tell you a story he thinks is rad, and tell you how hard core frat guy he is. And no, I am not getting it removed because that looks like it hurts and I am a wuss when it comes to that shit. And I am not getting it covered with another tattoo because whatever I decide to cover it with is more than likely going to be worse than what I have. Damn you 1996 Salty.

Subway

Whoever came up with the "Five Dollar Foot Long" song should be beat with a five foot long steel rod.  Instead of spending the millions of dollars on these advertising spots that run every commercial break, maybe you can spend that money on purchasing edible deli meats for your sandwiches.  North Koreans think those deli cuts are disgusting.  Offering an affordable sandwich is great, but at least make it tolerable.  After you accomplish making a good, affordable sandwich, put your marketing team in a Subway truck and drive it off a cliff.  

Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Just once I would like Guy to taste some food concoction that one of these joints puts out and say, "Oh God, that tastes like dog shit!  What is wrong with you?  How the hell did you get on this show? I hope that I am on Punked because if I am not, the city should shut your ass down!"   Just once.  There is no way he has enjoyed every dish that they put in front of him.  I would even settle for, "That is sub par at best.  Do you have naked pictures of my Executive Producer?  That could be the only way you got on this show.  Who wants to go to Taco Bell?  I am buying."

Women's Basketball

I would rather watch my parents make a porno.