Dog, please keep your sunglasses on brah. What have you done to your eyes/eyelids? It is like a cross between someone who looked at the sun through binoculars too long and Rocky at about round 3. I know that his hair is an absolute hot mess and he dresses like a GI Joe figurine from the early 80's, but those eyes creep me out. I would be ready to head back to the clink too if that was the only way to get those peepers out of my grill.
One last thing Dog, stop calling your kid Baby Lisa. She is like 30, way out of the baby range and she sure as hell not a love interest. From the previews that are on A&E 24/7, you might want to change her name to Terrible Drunk Lisa.
Other than that, keep up the good work.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Office Public Restroom, Part 3
The Urinal
Every time I jockey up to one of the two stalls here it is as if a squad of Taliban fighters used the urinal before me. That is the only thing that can explain the length and amount of hair there. Honestly, where can these hairs come from that are this length? If this is pubic hair, someone has one of the most untamed crotches ever. This crotch would make 70's porn crotch look like a putting green. If it is someone's beard or face then maybe you need to go see a doctor because you are losing an unhealthy amount of hair for this short a time in one place. I know the urinals get cleaned at the end of the day so this is not a couple days worth of hair plus it is in the morning when I notice this Chia urinal. Someone in our building really needs to clean it up.
Every time I jockey up to one of the two stalls here it is as if a squad of Taliban fighters used the urinal before me. That is the only thing that can explain the length and amount of hair there. Honestly, where can these hairs come from that are this length? If this is pubic hair, someone has one of the most untamed crotches ever. This crotch would make 70's porn crotch look like a putting green. If it is someone's beard or face then maybe you need to go see a doctor because you are losing an unhealthy amount of hair for this short a time in one place. I know the urinals get cleaned at the end of the day so this is not a couple days worth of hair plus it is in the morning when I notice this Chia urinal. Someone in our building really needs to clean it up.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Office Public Restroom, Part 2
The Stall
There are three in the restroom on our floor. Proper etiquette is to leave a stall buffer in-between stall pilots. Do not saddle up next to me if there is a stall open a stall away. I do not need to hear and smell you struggling with last night's meatloaf from two feet away if at all possible. Now, we all have butt trouble from time to time and there is no time to adhere to the "stall away" terms and that is fine. But, whoever saddles up next to me when there is an open stall needs to understand that used butt tickets might start to fly. This is where we go to lay wolf bait not where we need to socialize. I want to be concentrating on my turding and my solataire. NOTHING ELSE. If you recognize my shoes and you think it is time to talk about last night's Suns game, save it. Not the time or the place. If you think your loud farts are funny, I do too, but let's chat about that later this week and not during battle. If you are having a rather rough morning/afternoon, lets throw in a double flush. Nothing worse than going into a docking station only to find remnants of someone else's war scars. Just remember, we are all animals and have to roll thunder from time to time, let's just all agree to leave each other alone and we will all get through this. We all are vunerable during this time so do not exasperate the situation with uncalled for distractions. This is not prison, this is civilised society.
There are three in the restroom on our floor. Proper etiquette is to leave a stall buffer in-between stall pilots. Do not saddle up next to me if there is a stall open a stall away. I do not need to hear and smell you struggling with last night's meatloaf from two feet away if at all possible. Now, we all have butt trouble from time to time and there is no time to adhere to the "stall away" terms and that is fine. But, whoever saddles up next to me when there is an open stall needs to understand that used butt tickets might start to fly. This is where we go to lay wolf bait not where we need to socialize. I want to be concentrating on my turding and my solataire. NOTHING ELSE. If you recognize my shoes and you think it is time to talk about last night's Suns game, save it. Not the time or the place. If you think your loud farts are funny, I do too, but let's chat about that later this week and not during battle. If you are having a rather rough morning/afternoon, lets throw in a double flush. Nothing worse than going into a docking station only to find remnants of someone else's war scars. Just remember, we are all animals and have to roll thunder from time to time, let's just all agree to leave each other alone and we will all get through this. We all are vunerable during this time so do not exasperate the situation with uncalled for distractions. This is not prison, this is civilised society.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Office Public Restroom, Part 1
The Sink.
I use the sink to wash my hands after doing my business. It appears that in my office someone is washing their dog in the sink. That would be the only explanation why there is water absolutely everywhere. People, just flick your hands a couple of times while still at the sink and then get over to the paper towels and finish the process. This eliminates the everglade like swamp that resides on the edge of the sink waiting for me to barely press up against it. This allows a nice wet spot to form on my crotch right before my 10:00 appointment. I am trying to convince someone that I want their business but now it looks like all I want is a diaper.
I use the sink to wash my hands after doing my business. It appears that in my office someone is washing their dog in the sink. That would be the only explanation why there is water absolutely everywhere. People, just flick your hands a couple of times while still at the sink and then get over to the paper towels and finish the process. This eliminates the everglade like swamp that resides on the edge of the sink waiting for me to barely press up against it. This allows a nice wet spot to form on my crotch right before my 10:00 appointment. I am trying to convince someone that I want their business but now it looks like all I want is a diaper.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Beyond Scared Straight
Thank you Beyond Scared Straight for making me beyond scared knowing this person exists. Is this a ghost? Is this an albino sasquach? I know a prison cannot hold this entity. He is out there watching, waiting, and there could be more.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Visine
Apparently Visine has a expiration date and when it expires it turns to battery acid. My left eye is still burning and I used it over two hours ago. Thanks Visine. Eye patch here I come.
Chewbacca
I know that the economy has been tough but for Chewie to shave his body, marry Lamar Odom, and move to Dallas, just stinks of desperation. What happened Chew? Just yesterday you were high fiving Ewoks and captiaining the "Falcon". Put a call into Hans and turn it around bud, this is unacceptable.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Taco 12 Pack
If I am at a party and someone came in with a Taco 12 Pack from T Bell I would not think he is rad, I would think he is:
1. Poor
2. Stoned
3. Mentally Challenged
4. Not invited
5. Mad at the host
What is even worse is in the commercial T Bell gives crap to the people who bring chips, ice, and dip. F that, just behind the guy who brings alcohol or skanky hot chicks, these are some of the most important people at the party. Taco Bell then claims that the Taco 12 Pack shows that you have at least eleven friends. Wrong again. If one of my "friends" offered me a taco from Taco Bell at a party I would think he is more than likely trying to give me diarrhea or was trying to poison me. Taco Bell taco breathe is awful. You could rob a bank with a Taco Bell burp and now I am supposed to eat one when I am trying to meet people. Why don't I just go gargle a dog turd while I am at it.
Also, if you did bring the Taco 12 Pack what are you saying to the host about their food? "I think your food is so poor I decided to bring this hot garbage." At the very least you have pissed of the host and the other eleven people you are giving that dog food to. Come on Taco Bell, clean it up.
1. Poor
2. Stoned
3. Mentally Challenged
4. Not invited
5. Mad at the host
What is even worse is in the commercial T Bell gives crap to the people who bring chips, ice, and dip. F that, just behind the guy who brings alcohol or skanky hot chicks, these are some of the most important people at the party. Taco Bell then claims that the Taco 12 Pack shows that you have at least eleven friends. Wrong again. If one of my "friends" offered me a taco from Taco Bell at a party I would think he is more than likely trying to give me diarrhea or was trying to poison me. Taco Bell taco breathe is awful. You could rob a bank with a Taco Bell burp and now I am supposed to eat one when I am trying to meet people. Why don't I just go gargle a dog turd while I am at it.
Also, if you did bring the Taco 12 Pack what are you saying to the host about their food? "I think your food is so poor I decided to bring this hot garbage." At the very least you have pissed of the host and the other eleven people you are giving that dog food to. Come on Taco Bell, clean it up.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Toyota Tundra
Ok, I get that Toyota is trying to make this truck look extreme. I get that they are supposed to be catering to younger gen x types but the snowboarding commercial is retarded. First, I know they are fictional, and that the Tundra really did not do a barrel roll, but do we really need the disclaimer at the bottom that the Tundra is not a snowboard and should not be treated as one. Then another disclaimer saying that the Tundra should not be used to do barrel rolls in. Really?!?! There are about three people to blame this on:
1. The "X" treme athlete/ Jackass the Movie loving/Bam Margera poster having/ Monster Energy Drink guzzling D-Bag that thinks, "Wow, that truck just did a barrel roll. I should try a barrel roll in my Element."
2. The snowboarder that thinks, "Hey, I know I have only snowboarded six times but hell that Tundra just did a barrel roll, I should try that. I mean, I am drunk and that truck is probably sober."
3. The ambulance chasing lawyers that tell the two previous brainiacs that they were wronged by Toyota because they had tricked them into thinking they could accomplish the acts depicted in the commercial. Some Jury then wants to punish Toyota because they are Toyota and rewards these stooges and their lawyer some huge amount of money.
Now 99% of us that don't huff glue know that you can't barrel roll a truck but because some ass hat lawyer we have to have these disclaimers on everything. Thanks again. Now, I am going to go stick the gas nozzle in my mouth and drink away, oh wait, the little sign says not to do that. Thanks God!
1. The "X" treme athlete/ Jackass the Movie loving/Bam Margera poster having/ Monster Energy Drink guzzling D-Bag that thinks, "Wow, that truck just did a barrel roll. I should try a barrel roll in my Element."
2. The snowboarder that thinks, "Hey, I know I have only snowboarded six times but hell that Tundra just did a barrel roll, I should try that. I mean, I am drunk and that truck is probably sober."
3. The ambulance chasing lawyers that tell the two previous brainiacs that they were wronged by Toyota because they had tricked them into thinking they could accomplish the acts depicted in the commercial. Some Jury then wants to punish Toyota because they are Toyota and rewards these stooges and their lawyer some huge amount of money.
Now 99% of us that don't huff glue know that you can't barrel roll a truck but because some ass hat lawyer we have to have these disclaimers on everything. Thanks again. Now, I am going to go stick the gas nozzle in my mouth and drink away, oh wait, the little sign says not to do that. Thanks God!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Pre Work Stretch
Apparently at Walmart you need to stretch before you start work. Even more surprising is that #12 tells their workers to take a dump before work. Advise that I am going to take into account before I get to work from now on.
Fred Savage
I just saw a part of The Princess Bride and there was Fred Savage playing the little bratty kid. What happened to Fred? Last time I saw him in something recent was in Sienfeld when Krammer went to LA. How do you go from Wonder Years to nothing? I mean, I think I still have a crush on Winnie Cooper. What happened to her? Actually screw Fred. Where did you go Winnie?
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