Weight Room Guy

Hey, I get that working out is better than sex to you but can we do without the grunts, screams, and extreme heavy exhales?  I know that you are trying to get yourself pumped for your 20th round of bench but use your inside voice or maybe even nothing at all.  I also don't think slapping your biceps is doing anything for you.  Everyone looks at themselves in the mirror at the gym but you are a couple stares and glances away from slow dancing with yourself.  Clean it up, the mirror is starting to get nervous.  I am impressed that you can squat all that weight.  You know what would impress me more?  Running those sweat pants through the wash once every six months.  You think you don't sweat but those sweats smell like the inside of a used coffin.  I am happy that you are being healthy and taking care of yourself but it this is not your house so please be aware of other people.   Also, don't look over at me and give me that little smirk that I am not as muslcular than you are.  I don't want to look like that just like I don't want a "Bad Boy" sticker on my car like yours.  We live in different worlds with differnt priorities.  We share some space a couple of times a week, let's just make it enjoyable for all.

PS - Please take care of the New York City of all zits on your back.  I think it winked at me today.

Frat Tat

In 1996 this bad boy was bitchin. In 2012 it is a douche magnet. Every time some dude comes up to me asks me if I was really a SAE, I want to cry a little bit because I know this guy is going to want to talk about how rad his chapter is. No buddy, we have nothing in common other than the hand shake and that we happen to have both been SAE's. No, I do not bleed purple and gold. No, I do not want to hear about what soririties are hot at you school. No, I do not know the True Gentleman anymore. If I would have known the BS this tattoo was going to put me through, I would have cut off my ankle instead of tattooing it. I wish 2012 Salty could talk to 1996 Salty. Sit him down and explain the pitfalls of this tattoo. Let him know how much crap he will have to endure becuase of this decision. Let him know that the tattoo has impressed zero girls. On the contrary, I think it might have scared a couple away. The only think it attracts is buttholes that want to give you the shake, tell you a story he thinks is rad, and tell you how hard core frat guy he is. And no, I am not getting it removed because that looks like it hurts and I am a wuss when it comes to that shit. And I am not getting it covered with another tattoo because whatever I decide to cover it with is more than likely going to be worse than what I have. Damn you 1996 Salty.

Subway

Whoever came up with the "Five Dollar Foot Long" song should be beat with a five foot long steel rod.  Instead of spending the millions of dollars on these advertising spots that run every commercial break, maybe you can spend that money on purchasing edible deli meats for your sandwiches.  North Koreans think those deli cuts are disgusting.  Offering an affordable sandwich is great, but at least make it tolerable.  After you accomplish making a good, affordable sandwich, put your marketing team in a Subway truck and drive it off a cliff.  

Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Just once I would like Guy to taste some food concoction that one of these joints puts out and say, "Oh God, that tastes like dog shit!  What is wrong with you?  How the hell did you get on this show? I hope that I am on Punked because if I am not, the city should shut your ass down!"   Just once.  There is no way he has enjoyed every dish that they put in front of him.  I would even settle for, "That is sub par at best.  Do you have naked pictures of my Executive Producer?  That could be the only way you got on this show.  Who wants to go to Taco Bell?  I am buying."

Women's Basketball

I would rather watch my parents make a porno.

Nicolas Cage

What is the last good movie this guy made?  Leaving Las Vegas?  Honeymoon in Vegas?  Raising Arizona?  I mean those are all over 15 years ago.   Now he just takes any role thrown up in front of him.  Not just movies that don't make money, really bad movies that make Biodome look like Oscar material.  I guess that is what you have to do when you go BK cause you spend money like congress.   Get a hold of yourself Nick.  Ghost Rider 2?  Are you fist baggin' me?  Someone actually saw the first travesty, Ghost Rider 1, and thought, "God, we really shit the bed on that god awful piece of garbage, let's make another one."  And of course there is Nick knocking doors down to make the film.  I hope someone takes the writers of this movie and light their heads on fire like the Ghost Rider.  Now you know how anyone dumb enough to go see this movie wants to do to themselves ten minutes into it.  Have I seen either one?  F no.  All I need to see is the trailer and know it is going to blow.  I would rather watch someone beat my dog.  Who approves these movies?  Hollywood, stop taking the easy way out on the sequel train and get some real writers to put out some real films.  Fire the rest of these idiots that only can rewrite old TV shows into movies or take older movies and do remakes.  Then if you finally make something worth a bag of crap and someone says, "Let's put Nick Cage in this bad boy.",  jump kick that retard in the face.

Dog Drop

Who the hell lets their dog crap in someone's front yard and does not clean it up? If I ever catch your dog crapping in my front yard again I will field goal your little mutt into next week. Then I am going to choke you out with his leash. Have some respect for the hood. I have a Great Dane. Do you think I get off picking up his huge dumps when he craps in someone's yard? No, it is awful but I do it. Because it is the right thing to do. I hope you and your dog get hit by a bus.

Joke

No need to repeat the joke sweetheart.  I did not laugh because your joke was not in the least bit funny, not because I did not hear you.  That is a minute of my life I will never get back.  You know what else does not make your joke funny?  Your ear piercing cackle/laugh.  Stick with making pizzas and leave the jokes to the comedians.

Dog Food Bag

Is there an easy way to open these things?!?!? I cannot do it without spilling the food, ruining the bag, or having a stroke. We should build a fence of these things and put it at the border. That will slow down illegal immigration at least a little bit. It might just piss them off enough to give up and turn around.

Person Who Threw Their Gum on the Ground

I hate you more than I hate Al Qaeda.  If I find you I am going to gauge your eyes out with a rusty spoon.  Now I am walking around doing the moon walk forwards like a spaz.  It must of been too much for you to throw that bubbleyum in a garbage can.  It would have take time out of your day reserved for picking your face.  You suck.

Chipotle Line

If you are waiting in line at Chipotle (or any similar fast casual eatery/deli with a menu board) for longer than five minutes and the person in front of you is called on to order and he/she does not know what they want, it should be legal to slam this person's face into the sneeze guard. What the hell have you been doing for the last five minutes? The menu board is right there, clear as day. If you cannot read it then how in the name of all that is holy did you drive here?

In my case it was more like ten minutes and super important was jabbering on the phone about her best friend to her other best friend. It is finally her turn to order and she has to excuse herself from the conversation, laugh, and then exclaim, "Uh, what do I want?" I don't know what you want but you are going to need an ambulance if you do not order in the next five seconds. This is why people go postal. It did not help that I was hungry and the guy's breath behind me smelled like he had just ate a skunk but come on.

PS - no lady, you have never not paid for your chips. They always cost extra. Now please pay and then take said bag of chips and suffocate yourself.

Fake Knockers

You are the one that went way overboard on your boob job and got the DDD's and wore the low cut top.  Stop giving me bad looks for staring at those sweater kittens.  Do not give me the BS about getting them to even out your frame either, you got them for attention.  I am male and can't help the fact that huge hammers draw my eyes to them.  It is just like the way your gold digger ass is attracted to dudes with Rolexs, my eyes are attracted to enormous Ta Ta's.