Pizza Party

Everyone pretty much likes pizza. I love it! I want to rub pizza all over my fat ass. It should be an easy order right? WRONG! I get that there are vegetarians and individuals that need glutton free. They need to eat too and should get a pizza they can enjoy. The order should be some cheese pizzas, pepperonis, veggie/glutton, and maybe a sausage/green pepper type pizza. This should pacify everyone. My stink is with the person that wants to push their pizza concoction on everyone else. "No guys, you HAVE to try the hermit crab, white cheese, and moose knuckle. Honestly, TRY IT. I am telling so and so (who of course cannot tell this person to eat a bag of assholes) to order it." Then everyone is stuck with some dumpster fire pizza that no one wants. But there is Pete with, his slice of terribleness, with a huge smile on his face. Then there is Jenny, who is a little late, and now all the normal pizza is gone and she is starring at the pizza left thinking, "WTF is this crap?". Pete does not get that everyone now hates him, especially Jenny.

This also goes to the jerk who just starts putting extra trimmings on the whole pizza instead of their slice. They run up and start dumping red peppers or some other trimming that maybe other people do not like or want. Hey Pete, no one wants that many damn jalapenos on their pizza except you so take your slice and then add your sting ring inducing toppings. Oh and eating that many jalapenos does not make you the office tough guy, it makes you the butt plug that no one else wants to talk to the rest of the day cause your breathe smells like Tijuana. Way to punish the whole office, and your butthole, for the rest of the day, and in the case of your poop chute, all day tomorrow. Come on people, don't be Pete.

Small Car, Huge, Loud Muffler Guy

You are a douche bag.

Office Microwave

You are not allowed to cook the hot garbage you call your lunch in here.   What the hell smells like that? Oliver Twish would turn that down!   Not only have you tainted the whole kitchen area but the whole office smells like throw up.  Don't give me the whole, "Thank God it is Friday" bullshit as you stir that vomit stew and stuff it down your gullet.  Honestly, you should not eat liquids that are greyish.  I am really thrilled that the rest of my day is going to consist of dry heaving whenever I go to refill my water. 

Dog Whisperer

I run into this guy and his dog at the park while walking my dog.   Within five minutes he is telling me what my dog is thinking and what he needs.  He says that my dog wants more time off the leash.  Oh really!?!?!?  Does he also like treats?  This guy is a regular psychic.  After that he tells me his dog and my dog have the same outlooks on life.   Fearing that he is about to rape my dog, I listen to this guy a little more before leaving in the opposite direction of this pervert.

It reminds me off the people at the dog park that are experts on canines because they taught their dog to sit. I appreciate that you think my dog is big and cute but I don't need advice on how to take care of my dog.  I don't give you advice on that shit storm you call a hair cut.   No, my dog does not need to eat raw lamb.  He eats dog food.  They will claim that the raw lamb makes their dog so much more happy and they would not eat anything other than raw food.  Really?  How come your dog is slurping up some other dog's ass chocolate right now?  Ya, your dog is brilliant.  Something tells me your dog is also a huge fan of peanut butter on certain parts of your body too.

Emissions Testing

If your shit box falls under the following criteria, you are not going to pass:

1) Vehicles that were pushed onto the lot.
2) Vehicles that look like a tire fire is occuring in their muffler.
3) Vehicles that are squeeling.
4) Vehicles whose muffler is bigger than their tires.
5) Vehicles that keep breaking down.
6) Vehicles that are missing important parts such as a back window, trunk, passenger seat, or door.

Even if you have really been praying, and the ninety religious bumber stickers that adorn the whole back of your car say you have, you are not going to pass.  Please save the rest of us some time and take it to the salvage yard.  Now before I get labeled cruel, in high school my rig failed.  I was surprised and did everything they told me to do to get it up to standards.  What I did not do is, go back around, and get back in a different line hoping that somehow they would not notice the  faded primer Carbecue was back.  Why did I have enough time to notice all this happening?  Because I was stuck behind said car's older brother whose owner thought that he could talk them out of failing him.  What a joke.  

PS - Getting a physical is going to be the same experiene if we keep heading down this Healthcare debacle we have now.  Get used to it.

Following Directions

Hell no! She is too busy jabbering on the phone about her nails and smoking a coffin nail.

Body Odor Person

Honestly, what am I missing with you?   You have to be able to smell yourself, I mean I smelled you from about 75 yards away.  What point are you trying to prove?   That you have no one that wants to get within 30 feet of you.   And you are not homeless, you are just disgusting to be disgusting.  Don't give me the, " the chemicals in soap and deodorant upset your skin or are used on animals" bs either.   There are all natural alternatives that you can put in those pits of filth of yours.  Plus the animals you are protecting would prefer you did something about your stink too.  How about just running some water on your body?   Cruise by the fire department and I am sure they would hose you down for free.  I tell you what, I will buy you a brand new pair of bongos and take you on a shopping spree to the deodorant aisle at Costco, all on me.  I will even throw in some shampoo.  Medusa thinks your hair sucks.

What is even more perplexing is the normal dude that has BO.  The guy at the deli today was in a suit and smelled like Khandahar.   How does that happen?   This guy mistook the meaning of hard sell.  Someone has to let this jerk off know that he is awful.   Today, it was not going to be me.  He had that crazy eye going on and I think he was having a bad decade.  Definitely too old not to know he stunk.  Maybe next time.