Grocery Aisle

You should never park your grocery cart perpendicular in the grocery aisle.  Never, ever period.  You are not a beaver trying to plug up your dam so get the hell out of the way.  Next time I see someone do this, you are getting me at full ramming speed through your cart.  Kid in the cart, I don't care, he knows you were wrong too.  I don't care if I don't need to go down that aisle or not.  If I see your cart in that position, I am going Mad Max style crash your cart into next week.  Be aware, I am out there hunting.

Son of Sam

I just saw a documentary on the Son of Sam killer.  Obviously this guy was a pretty sick dude but he confessed that his next door neighbor's dog told him to do most of the killings.  Now, apparently,  the dog was not involved in any killings but the police did not even interview the dog.  I think that dog got off scott free.  That is BS.

Meeting

If you wanted to meet at your office we could of done it sometime when your whole office was not sick with the flu.   You do not tell people this after they are in the conference room.  We might as well met in an emergency room.  "I don't know, something is going around the office."  Really?!?!  You know where there is not something going around the office, my office.  If you wanted to do it at your office so bad you could have at least given us some full body hazmat suits so I don't get what the guy in the bathroom has.  It sounded like he was melting.

This Guy......

Is making up for something.

Back-in Parker

Unless you are a get away car driver, police officer, on a stake out, or stunt driver, you should never back in a space.  I have no problem with the person that pulls through one space into the space across so you are facing out.  That is good mostly because you tend to keep it in the lines.   The person who literally backs into the space, you are a jackass.  The time you are saving pulling out of the space you wasted pulling into the space.  You never get it in the space correctly and usually it takes a can opener for me to get into my car because you think you are James Bond.  Do you get a tingly feeling when you jump in your car and pull right out?  I get a tingly feeling watching the kid key your car for parking to close to his rig.  Maybe you are great at backing into parking spots but like fast fat people, you are a rarity.

Eddie!

Apparently someone keeps this guy in business. His wife/mom is kickin the Eddie pullover. Solid combo.

Baby/Wedding Showers

Ladies,

These parties are for females only!  No right minded male wants to go to your little party.  Honestly, we do not want guess what candy bar was spit into the diaper, we don't care about the game about how you met, or the ooooooohhs and ahhhhhhs everytime you hold up what you got as a gift.  You gals go have a blast and enjoy yourselves, just leave us out of it.

If you do force us to have to come to one of these "parties", please have tons of booze and a legit sporting event on somewhere.

Voicemail

Your voicemail should be at the most ten seconds long. For example, "Hi, you have reached Jenny. I am away from my phone or on the other line but leave a message and I will get back to you....beep".

Examples of what I don't need to hear:

a. You have reached....6......0.........2.....5.....5....5...3...5.....5....5....please leave a message. If you like your message press 6, if you like to fax a message press 7, if you like sunsets press 8... and so on and so on. I just want to leave a message!

b. This is Hank, it is Thursday the 15th. I will be in class this morning. Then I am having lunch with Victor. I might catch a movie after that. If you hit me up, I will try and get back to you depending on what Hank is up to. Go Raiders! Hey douche, no one cares about your day. Why I would be calling this guy is beyond me but I do have to call some random people.

c. Insert typical soul searching song that called person thinks shows how deep they are, Hey, this is sunflower, leave a message and the planet the way you found it.

d. Ass bag that when he recorded his voicemail forgot to hit one to save it so it is his message then about 15 seconds of nothing.

Please, just a simple voicemail. I have made too many phone calls today.

Metta World Peace

I can't understand why people used to think Ron Artest is crazy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZrVRU5G2dg&feature=player_embedded


I personally think he nailed the question.   Jesus was super smart not having us lose our teeth when we are 20 or 30.  I think it is also super smart to have our butts where they are and not on the back of our neck.  That would give a whole new meaning to the term "rat tail".  Plus the choking issues in the gay community would be off the charts.  Preach on Metta.

Where does Tim Tebow stand on the teeth?

Napa

Whoever produced the Napa Auto Parts commercials should be locked in a room for 23 hours with that stupid song playing. The other hour of the day they should be beaten.

Known as....

If you are over 13 years old, female, single, and people address you by your nickname or last name, there is a problem.  For most single guys it is a huge red flag.  It is a lot better to be introduced as "Linda", then "Faceplant","The Hole", or "McCallister".  99% of the time it means you are:

a) a psycho
b) a drunk/druggie
c) strange
d) a skank
e) overweight

If you are known by your female nickname and you are saying, "I am none of those things", you are a psycho.

Bicyclist

I know you think you are a car, but you are not.  I tell you what, let me rear end you and see if you still think you are a car.  There are bike lanes all over this city, yet you are on Camelback Road taking up a lane.  Get you, your bike, and that funny wet suit you guys all wear on the sidewalk.  I  know, some will say, "Salty, the sidewalk is for pedestrians.  That is why they call it a sideWALK.".  BS, you keep crusing around traffic you will end up in a cofFIN, like 'the end' if you do not get on the sidewalk.  I think bike lanes are great but stay in them.  Do not let me catch you in the left hand turn lane either, that is for the big boys.  One more thing, do something about the color of your wetsuits.  You already look like an a-hole with that body codom on, adding obnoxious colors is not helping your cause.

Being Courteous

I was opening the door for a lady and she said, "I can get my own door ya know".  Are you kidding me?  I was trying to be nice.  You are not Susan B. Anthony by opening your own door nor have you proven anything other than you are what all men hate.  I was opening the door because that is how my parents raised me.  I was not trying to show my dominance/strength over you.  If I wanted to do that, I would just pin you on the ground and sit on you.  Hopefully we never meet at the building door again because this time I am going to hold it shut and watch your chubby self sit out in the cold and shiver and cry like a baby.  Human fat does not work the same as blubber on a seal, FYI.   Next time take kindness when it comes and be thankful for it.  

No Offense....

If you are talking with someone and they preempt what they are going to say with, "No offense but.....". Get ready to be seriously offended.

Self Checkout

Self checkouts at the grocery store should be for people that:

A) Are in a hurry
B) Have few items
C) Have operated the system before.
D) Are not scared of technology.

Self checkouts at the grocery store are NOT for people that:

A) Are over 70 years old.
B) Are shopping for a family of 50.
C) Have produce and do not know how to operate the machine.
D) Are with kids that run off.
E) That want to socialize with the checkout assistant.  This is for the regular checkout line.  If you want to talk about the rain we have been having, go over to the old school checkout.
F) Are writing a check.  Know what, you should never use a check at the grocery store anymore.  Honestly, it is 2011.
G) Are on the phone.
H) Are stupid.  You know who you are.

Also, if you are standing in the 15 items or less line and you have 25 items, I should be allowed to slap you with one of your items of my choosing.   You know what line you are in.  Don't play dumb or confused.  All grocery stores have this line and you know where it is.  It is the one with the huge sign denoting that it is the 15 items or less line.   If you miss that, maybe you will notice everyone else has 15 items or less and are pissed at you.  One more thing, a bag of five apples is one item, not five fat man.  Stop giving me the stink eye.  Plus slapping me might cause you to burn some calories and we know you don't want that to happen.

Stereotype

If you don't like being stereotyped, stop being so stereotypical.

Door Bell

There should be a law against having door bells in commercials. Ever time it happens my dog loses his mind and goes on a five minute barking spree. Really unnecessary.

You are fifty

You can't have twin hoop earrings.

Jersey

If you are at the Cardinals/Cowboys game and you have a Colts jersey on, you are not a "die hard" fan, you are a jackass.

Lexus

Stop it with the commercials about your cute little song.  No one knows the jingle has anything to do with Lexus.  If someone got me a present and when I opened my present it was a music box playing that song, I would think that someone just got me a crappy music box playing a crappy song.  Then again, it would be nice to then find out I got a Lexus.  Gift giver, you are forgiven for the crappy music box.  I think I just hate the commercial.

Skinny Jeans

Girls, go ahead and skinny jean yourself out.  Males, you put these genital punishers on, you are now a chick.  Maybe that is what you are going for and if so, knock yourself out.   If not, you look like a chick and an easy victim.  I know, you are going to say, "Salty you have no taste for what is in fashion."  Guess what, if broken jaws are in fashion, I am not going to let someone punch me in chin so why am I going to strangle my genitals with these bad boys?