TSA Assist

Hey prick, that handicapped women you are wheeling around is not a battle ram/snow plow.  Take it easy.  You almost made me handicapped twice with your ram till I move style.  Once you get passed me guess what, more people.  It is crowded.  Chill out.

Tight, Stretchy Yoga Pants

Should never, under no circumstances, be worn by men.  I would have taken a photo but I was in a men's locker room and that is good way to get your teeth fed to you.

Steak Sandwich

The deli that I ate at today does not have a steak sandwich on the menu.  You know how I know this?  Well, the 80 year old dipshit in front of me kept on asking if they could make him one.
"I am really in the mood for a steak sandwich.  Are you sure you cannot make me one?'
"Sir, we do not offer steaks or anything grilled."
"It would really not be that hard to make."
"Sorry, we don't have the means to make you one."  
"Are you sure?"

Hey, old man winter, are you listening to anything she is saying?  If you wanted a steak sandwich maybe your wife should have dragged your bag of bones to a place that she KNOWS has a steak sandwich instead of wasting the time of everyone else in line.   I don't go to a Mexican Food restaurant and ask for lasagna.  Just take your pastrami sando and choke that bad boy down and get out of the way.

Starbuck's Drive Thru

The Starbucks drive thru should come with these rules:

1) If you are ordering for 10 people, go inside.   Otherwise the 10th coffee should be thrown in your face because you obviously have no concept of the other people in the drive thru.   That large of an order can be understood and tolerated inside.

2) If you do not know what you want, you should order inside.  Most, if not all, Starbuck drive thrus are crowded so you have time to think about your order.  If you don't know the sizes or drink combos, take your questions and your free time inside.

3) Friendly banter with the person taking your order or serving you is reserved for inside as well.  Not to say you cannot say "thank you" or "have a nice day" but asking how little Jenny is doing in preschool is inside garbage.  You like her pullover and would like to know where she got it?  Go inside and try that shit on. 

4) Ordering multiple breakfast sandwiches?   You guessed it, get your ass inside for that BS.

5) If you are hard of hearing, probably best to order inside where you can hear a little better. 

6) Once you move forward, there is no going back.   Like life, this is just the way it is.  Deal with it.

7) GET OFF THE PHONE!  "Let me call you back, I am in the line at Starbucks and about to order".   That was tough.  Don't you dare get back on the phone before you pay!   That is a good way to get strangled.

8) If you are not good at parking your SUV, maybe the drive thru is not for you.   Maybe driving is not for you either.

9) If they made a mistake on your order, GO INSIDE AND GET IT FIXED!  You do not go back through the drive thru.  The air inside the store is not toxic.  You will get your order taken care of better in there than through the drive thru.

10) If your paying mechanism (cash, credit card, gift card) is in your purse, than maybe, just maybe, you should have your purse within grabbing distance.  Not in your back seat where you cannot reach it.  While you are back there try and locate your brain.  It is not that hard.

Soon I will rant about the people in the store but that is for another time.

Office Carpet

So this is the carpet the management company went with in our office hallway.  I have already found two people on the floor having seizures and one guy talking to the fire extenquisher.  If I look at any thing white I can see this pattern and it is telling me to punch the mailman.  Worst. Office building. Ever.

What I Learned at My Garage Sale

1. People are pretty critical when buying other people's crap.   "$3 for a phone charger??!?!?  You guys are crazy!"  Then don't buy it dipshit.  You probably don't even have three dollars.

2. People love baseball hats.  The hat could say, "I am retarted" and it will sell if it is under $5.00.

3. Garage sales attract fat people.  Lots of fat people that don't care much about their personal hygene. 

4. $15.00 for a nice knife set is "outrageous".  It was like I slapped this man's wife he was so irritated by the price.

5. There is a whole culture of people that just drive by garage sales real slow and window shop the garage sale.  Real creepy people.

6. People have no problem leaving their car running, run up to the garage sale and run back to their car.  This happened multiple times.   Like they were late to the next garage sale.

7. 90% of people that shop at garage sales a have a mental disability.

8. Garage sales can be a family outing.   You can also leave your family members at the garage sale if they bought something you wanted.   This really happened.

9. Mexicans are scared of Great Danes.  Very scared.

10.Your neighbors do not like your garage sale.

11. White trash is becoming my most hated segment of society. 

12. It hurts your feelings when people show up and leave without buying any of my crap.   Like my crap is not good enough.

13. When the sale is over you somehow have more shit than when you started.

All in all, garage sales suck.  It does make you feel better about your standing in society though.

CMA's

Do they hold the Country Music Awards every other month?  I feel like every time I watch a sporting event, they are advertising for this crap.  And I like country music.

Sticks

Apparently sticks got his nickname from not his skinny legs but from hitting people with pool sticks.  Sounds like a solid guy.

Like a Glove

The scary thing is this person is also trying to fit in the lanes out on the streets.

Elvis, Jumbotron Slut

If you have ever had the desire to get on the Jumbotron at a stadium or arena just dress like Elvis.  Same goes for a televised sporting event.  I am not sure why sports directors/stadium staff have such a hard on for this costume but they do.  Think about it.  My guess is the production truck direction goes something like this:  "camera one on the huddle, camera two give me the head coach...go.  Camera three give me some sexy cheerleaders.  Go to camera one.....holy shit!  Screw that!  I see a kid dressed as Elvis in the student section!  For God's sake get me two camera angles on that genius.  How is it the second quarter and I am just finding out about this clever guy.  Fire the spotter STAT!"  

The guy has been dead for over 30 years yet he still gets more run than the mascot for the home team.  If I dressed as Albert Einstein one game and Elvis the next, which game do you think I am getting on TV?  Sad really.

Guyliner

So this is really happening?  Males, which used to be known as men, are now putting on eye liner?!?!  Seriously?  Grab the area where your sack used to be and ask yourself, "hope being a bitch works better then this whole man thing. Cause I have given up being a responsible, self confident individual and I will substitute it for this shell of a infant boy that needs attention constantly."  I know I can't afford my electric bill but thank god I got my manscape on and scored some blush.  Take a lonnnnnnggg hard look in the mirror, cry, and check into rehab.  Rock bottom.

Knock Knock

If you are older than 12 years old and you are still telling knock knock jokes, you should be punted in the face.  Unless really dirty, these are never funny.  I can't remember the last knock knock joke I really laughed at and not a courtesy laugh becuase a 7 year old told me it.  I am not sure why this drives me so crazy.

Lasts 9.1 years*

This is the biggest bunch of horse shit ever.  I have gone through three of these bad boys in the last month alone.  When whatever jackass wrote this he must have been dying laughing.  * only if you use this light bulb once ever three months.

Screw you energy saving light bulb.

Racist?

I met my lawn guy at my house today to pay him.  We struck up a little conversation about how business was going and he mentioned that it was going very well.  He said he has even let go some of his "tougher" accounts that were always late on paying.  A couple of months ago we were talking and he mentioned a younger woman that he was having a real bitch of a time getting a check from.  Here is the breakdown of the conversation today:

Salty: So, how is biz going now?

Matthew: A lot better now!   I have actually picked up about ten accounts in the last 45-60 days.

S: That is great.  Hopefully they are all good accounts and not flakes.

M: So far so good.  I have even let go of some of the people that were not paying me on time.

S:  Like that bitch from a couple of months ago?  She sounded like real treat.

M: Oh ya, I stopped showing up to her house about two months ago.  Bitch, always had some stupid excuse.  You know who I refuse to take on as new accounts because they are the hardest to collect money from and will always rip you off?

S:  Single women?  SIDE NOTE:  This answer was given 100% because of the "bitch" who flaked a couple of months ago was a single woman and that is who we were talking about.

M: No way.  Not even close.

S: Oh ya, then who?

M: Mexicans!  I try to avoid doing work for them whenever I can.  Can't trust them.

S: Uh, I see......well.....um....

M: No, they really are terrible.

S: Well, um..........aren't you Mexican?

M: Ya, doesn't mean I don't trust those fuckers.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  (Me looking down at the ground and just nodding).

S: I see.

M: Got to go, have another appointment.  See you later!  Trust me on the Mexicans.

S: Ok.  Talk to you later.

Now was he subconsciously telling me he was not trustworthy or was that some sort of under cover sting to see if I was racist?  What the hell just happened?  I then looked around to see if John Quinones or Chris Hanson was going to come out of my garage and scorn me for not correcting him.  Still confused.

Discount Tire

I want to be pissed at the Discount Tire guys for blowing off my truck to help this hot chick with huge hammers but I would probably do the same thing.  Sadly, if they are helping woman depending on their weight and hotness, the woman next to me might be here until Thanksgiving.

SHH

What kind of Mickey Mouse bullshit is this?!?!?  

What's in a Name?

This is either the smallest strip club or the biggest vagina ever.

Community H

Thanks to the dude who left his Preparation H in the stall in our bathroom at work.  This bathroom is one of the most disgusting places in the country.  See previous posts for other evidence.

Jean Shorts

If you are morbidly obese, maybe you should avoid these threads.  

Powerball Interview

I was watching the Powerball winner get interviewed today and he seemed like a nice enough guy.  What was sad was when introduced he was with his girlfriend who seemed like a real sweetheart.  What is sad is that chances of her being his girlfriend by the end of this month is about nil.  Too bad, they seemed like a nice couple.  I look forward to seeing you on, "The lottery ruined my life" in ten years.  Honestly, I am just jealous because I still believe I will win some day.  Please send pics of your new girlfriend.

Jogging in Jeans

99.7% of the world thinks jogging in jeans is a terrible idea.  My neighbor can care less what others think.  Apparently he is immune to chapping.  

Boardwalk Etiquette

On a recent trip to Mission Beach I noticed that many people are not aware of the unsaid boardwalk etiquette.  If you break the following rules you cannot be mad when you get run over by a bike or throat socked by a random:

1. The most people you can have walking next to each other is three and three is pushing it.  You CANNOT have your whole family walking side by side like your own version of "Boardwalk Empire".   I don't care if Jenny is telling a hilarious story, you will have to listen from the back row sweetie.   Nothing is worse than the want a be gang of 16 year old ass bags that think they are tough walking 5 across like they are walking into Tombstone.  Your dad rented you a beach house in Mission Beach there Capone, you are not tough.

2. If you do not know how to skateboard, maybe a crowded boardwalk is not the place to learn.  The result is always the same.  Stupid girl/young boy trying to learn falls off rocketing the skateboard into a crowd of people consequently taking out someone's ankle mid evil style.  Learn that shit when no one is around.  BTW laughing while saying sorry does not help the mom that won't be able to walk for a month.

3. If you have to stop to answer your phone or look at a pod of dolphins, MOVE TO THE SIDE AND OUT OF THE WAY!   This is just common courtesy.  If not your phone or other yourself is getting a Viking funeral.

4. Take the porno session on the sea wall somewhere else.  No one wants to see you face banging your lady in the middle of the day.  Take her to the dumpster behind Hamel's Bike Shop.  Believe me, she has probably been there before.

5. Keep and eye on your toddlers.  It seems like every time I go out here I see some toddler almost get road pizza'ed by a bike.  The bike rider usually always gets the worse of the situation going over the seawall or eating it.  Make sure your kids know to look both ways when trying to cross the boardwalk. It is not that hard.  It will take little Timmy one bull dosing to ruin your trip.

6. I know we are outside but can you please wait to smoke when there are no one around you or following you.  Again, common courtesy.  I had more of the cigarette than the fuzzy foreigner in front of me did.

7. This is the United States, we walk on the right side of the boardwalk.  If you cannot figure out this basic gesture please go home and for the sake of god do not drive in this great country.

8. It should be against the law to walk on the boardwalk with a Speedo on.  Nuff said.

9. If you are going to cat call some chick you better make sure her much bigger than you boyfriend is not in the group up ahead.  Just saying, happened to this guy I know that looks a lot like me.  Long time ago but ageless wisdom.

10. Be aware of your surroundings.  You are not the only person on the boardwalk.  When in doubt, move to the side.  If you are confused, move to the side.  Lost, move to the side.  Drunk/stoned, move to the side.  Try not to be a dick or your will get your nose knocked in.  Trust me, I have seen this happen way too many times.

There are plenty more that I am probably forgetting but these are the ones that really stick with me.  Can't we all just walk along?

Song Stuck in my Head

I think if someone singing a really annoying song gets the song stuck in your head you should be able to spit in the person's face.  I have "Call me Maybe" in my head now and I can't shake it.  Thanks 14 year old on a bike.

Thank You Very Little

You know when this quote was funny?  Back in 1980 when Chevy Chase said it in Caddyshack.  You know when it is not?  Everytime a guy I do business says it to me.   It takes every fabric of my being to not punch him in the dick everytime he says it.  If you say this, stop.  Please.  You are not being funny, you are being an asshole.   Especially if someone does not know where it is from.  If I had never seen Caddyshack and I was working at let's say Starbucks and some ass monkey said, "Thank you very little" after I gave him his change, I would for sure tea bag his coffee.

Places I've Pooped

So my friend tells me about this phenomenal new app called Places I've Pooped.  As you might have guessed this app maps the joints you have dumped in.  At first I was skeptical, then I was addicted.  I really feel like I am making my own history of crapping conquests.  The GPS plots, within a couple of yards or so, where you laid wolf bait.  Here is the problem, I have grown tired of my old marks on the map.  This goes against everything I am about.  I am the type of guy that needs a familiar place to crap.  I like to know the surroundings and fell comfortable.  Not now, I would shit in your front lawn if I got to plot a new point on my map.  I left my office building and went to the one next door just to get some yardage separation.  I was driving down the street and I catch myself thinking, "That would be a good place to swim a butt fish"  So be on the lookout.  I might be bombing somewhere near you soon.  Only a matter of time now before I get arrested.   I am not sure there is an app for that, "Places I got arrested pooping".  

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That is supposed to be turd falling in a watery grave.  Just give it time.....

Gum

Is it impossible to throw your gum in a trash can or even a tissue?   I just stepped in a Willie Wonka size pile of someone's gum.  Now I have more crap stuck to the bottom of my shoe than a dairy farmer.   The tap dancer sound my shoe makes now on hard floors is another bonus.  I wish I could catch someone throwing their gum on the ground like this bag of used condoms so I could slam that wad right up his fart hole.

Side note:  Whoever said that when you get gum in your hair, something that should never happen to you past age 10, you should put peanut butter on it is full of shit.  Two sticky substances do not make a right, it makes for a shaved head.

Socks on the Beach

If you wear socks on the beach and you are not homeless you are pretty much a lost cause.

Sock Goblin

I really need to know where my socks are going.  I have 30 socks on my table and have about one that matches his mate.   Whenever I bring this predicament up to people they come back with things such as:

-the sock goblin got them
-the sock elf stole them
-they went to sock purgatory

Very cute but honestly, where the hell are the damn socks!   They are not just disappearing.   Are they spontaneously combusting?  I need some serious answers here!   "Did you check by your hamper?"  No, I have been looking all over my stupid house and the one place I did not check was the last place I saw them together.  Come on people!  I am not that stupid.   If there is some little fucker such as a sock goblin or elf and I catch this SOB, there is going to be hell to pay.  I am talking some serious Pulp Fiction crap here, including the rape.  Leave my socks alone you little jackass.

Again, where are my socks?  There has to be an easy answer.

Hidden Pleasures

Am I the only person who thinks picking a huge booger out of your nose, popping a big zit, and taking a huge dump are some of the most pleasurable experiences out there?

The moment right after a sneeze is pretty awesome as well.

Mini Lenny

Maybe the best person to be watching your little dog while you gab away on your phone might not be your 4-5 year old son.  He is less holding the leash as he is acting like he is starting a lawn mower with it.  Oh, there is a dog at the other end that might need a new neck.  Once I saw this I was instantly reminded of Lenny with the rabbits and we know how that ended up.  PETA would shit themselves and probably sentence your son to death for what went on.  It is only a matter of time before that dog says screw this and takes a chunk out of your kid.  It is not your son's fault, he is a chid.  It is your fault lady for acting like you are 13 and that your phone call is more important to you than both your son and your poor dog.

Inside the Nostril Zit

So I wake up yesterday morning to blow my nose.  The tissue had barely touched my right nostril when pain shoots through my face.  For some reason my nostril has a pulse!  I go to the mirror and nothing on the outside of the nose seems amiss.  I touch again and it is super tender.  I gently place my finger into my right nostril.  It usually fits like a glove.  No can do, too tender.  I somehow manage to invert my nostril like Maverick did to that Russian MiG to check out the undercarriage of the nostril.  Sure as shit, a zit!  Now my eyes are watering and I am going to be late to pick up a client so I let sleeping zits lie and decide to ignore this little bastard.  Unfortunately, I cannot ignore the zit as it pulsates most of the day and I can barely think of anything other than this damn zit.  I keep lightly rubbing it which surely creeped the shit out of my client but I couldn't stop.  I was like a meth head itching, I could not stop.  Finally we get to a Starbucks and I head to the bathroom prepared for war with Mr. Whitehead.  I do the Maverick thingy again and there he is....but bigger and more pissed as he is very red with a little white head.  I give myself the game time nod in the mirror and attack.  I flip, angle, trap, and attempt to pop it.  It give a little resistance and then I am propelled backwards as if someone had jumped kicked my chest.  It was both painful and glorious.  The sense of relief made me spout out, "Take that you little fucker!"  As I exited the bathroom I realized that most of the Starbucks had heard my exclamation but I did not care.  My one flaring red nostril probably told everyone the story they needed.  I just pointed my thumb back to the men's room and nodded a couple of times.  No explanation needed.  

As I get back into the car I told my client about my zit and all he said was, "Yeah, those are brutal.  It feels so good when you finally pop them though."

Damn straight.  Salty 1, Zit 0.

Until this morning........

Please Just Drive

I noticed you were a terrible driver when you were just smoking and trying to drive your stick shift at the same time.  I was utterly amazed when you actually answered your cell phone.  Please pull over and accomplish one of the six things you are trying to do at once and save the rest of us normal drivers the fear of you forcig us into oncoming traffic.  You probaly wanted to give me the finger when I honked at you but then again you are not an octopus.  Maybe next time.

Birthdays

Am I the only person that thinks birthdays stop being remotely fun past your 21st?  I am not the guy that sits in his closet in the fetal position because he is getting one year older but lets be honest.  If you are over thirty and you get pumped for your birthday, you might want to check into a mental institution or maybe stop spending so much time around kids.  Oh, and half birthdays are for kids ages 3-10 and 10 might be pushing it.  If you tell people you are celebrating your half birthday you are either a raging alcoholic willing to celebrate anything or someone that needs to be hit in the face with a weed whacker.  

I know the people that are apologizing that they missed my birthday mean well but I could give a rat's ass that you missed my birthday.  The only people I care about missing my birthday are my parents.  They have to remember that date because that is when I came into this world to make their lives something they never planned on.  I hope they think of the day as a positive but every once in a while I catch my mom staring at me on my birthday and I know she is thinking, "You know how much GD pain you put me through you little bastard?" 

How about those people that LOVE their birthday and remind you that it is a week away.  Oh, now it is 5 days away!  Update me again and you are not making it to your birthday!  I hope you enjoy your birthday but the rest of the office could care less about your birthday.  Call your mom and dad and they might care, oh, whats that?  You don't talk as much as you should anymore?  Maybe it is because every time you called it was to remind them about the damn count down to your birthday.

On another birthday note, those sheet cakes that everyone gets on their b-day for work or when you are twelve......those are a total rip off.  What are the margins for the grocery store on those fuckers?  They can last until your next birthday so who knows how long it has been sitting in that glass case.  I also like how the asshole that brings those out acts like he/she is a real baker.  These people belong in a bakery about as much as I belong in the Scripps Spelling Bee (that is a whole other rant).  You can tell these people did not make it past the 8th grade by the way the spell peoples names with the icing squeezer gun thingy.  Happy Birthday Tod!   One "d" really?   Why do I know so much about these jackasses?   When I worked in Hollywood as the bitch of the studio it was my prestigious job to go get these stupid cakes for any staff member above me's birthday.  So I have experience.  Depending on what god forsaken Hollywood grocery store they would send me to, the bakers were mostly the same.  "Oh, you picking up a birthday cake?  Is it your birthday?"  Ya, I am picking this up for myself dildo.  I have zero friends that would get this for me some I am buying my own so I can eat my way to diabetes.    But I digress.

Happy Birthday to me.  June 1st is kind of a kick ass birthday don't you think?  I know it is May 31st so save the comments but I plan on getting faced tomorrow.  Hell, it is my birthday.

Waiting Room Phone Call

Hey buttknuckle, maybe you can take that call outside.  Even if you absolutely have to get the phone call, can you not talk as if you are a reporter giving a live broadcast from inside a tornado?  This is part of his actual conversation:

"Ya, I am here at the doctor's office.  Getting some shit checked out.  What's up?   Oh ya?  Well let's fuckin' meet with them.   Everyone that I ever talk with will like me within 90 seconds....period.  Honestly like 99% of the people who meet me like me"

Well jerk off, me and the other eight people in the waiting room have known you for about five minutes and all of us can't stand you.   Might want to readjust those percentages.   By the way you interact I can tell that 99% number is about a 98% exaggeration.  On a side note, you are too old to wear your hat tilted to the side.  Grow up dick cheese.

Larry

I don't think you can be younger than 30 and be named Larry.  I have never met a baby named Larry.  There was not any Larrys in at my school growing up.  I am not sure I knew a Larry until I started working.

Conference Bags

There is 40,000 people at this conference and these bags are only convenient to the 100 or so ass hats that use them.  These bags are just in the way and I make it a point to kick them whenever I see them.  The owner will get aggravated but I usually will quell that by saying that I did not see it.  If you own one of these, you are a butt plug and deserve to have your little caboose bag punted.

I Think I Will Pass

Crosswalk

Newsflash terrible drivers!   When you are turning right at an intersection and a pedestrian is crossing from the opposite side of the crosswalk, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEM TO CROSS THE STREET!  The only time you shouldn't turn is if you did, you would run them over.   Be smart.  You are not being gracious for waiting, you are pissing everyone else off behind you.

Oh and for you pedestrians......when using the crosswalk and you see someone waiting for you, put a little hitch in your step and speed up.  Don't be the asshat that takes his sweet time.  That is a good way to end up on my hood.   The only time you shouldn't hurry is if you are in a wheel chair, elderly, or mentally retarded.

That reminds me.  The other day I saw this dude in a wheel chair crossing the street.  He came up to a curb, got out of his chair, pulled it over the curb, sat back down, and wheeled off!  WTF?!?!?  There should be a gang of REAL wheel chair bound people kick the shit out of this guy, maybe even to the point where he does need the wheel chair.  I bet those wheel chair basketball guys could do it.  They should have number you can call to report fake wheel chair dudes to.  Then these murder ball handicapped guys show up and "chair" the guy up.  Justice served.

Nonconformists

Just saw on the news a group of OWS type, college age, persons being interviewed about capitalism.  After spewing through their typical anti-captialism crap, all while his buddy is recording the thing on his iPhone, a girl is enjoying a cup a Dunkin Donuts, and he is wearing a Boston Red Sox hat, says they are all nonconformists.  I am confused.  Didn't you guys just conform to becoming nonconformists?  If he really was a nonconformist he would be doing the interview solo and wearing a burlap sack or something of the like.  I guess I could be nonconformist to their group by not playing the bongos, having a job, and being a productive member of society.  Look "Trent", to be nonconformist he should change is name to "^", I know you are young and think you can change the world with your idealogical blabber but you are going to end up forty, working at a record store, and living in an alley if you don't get your shit together.  If that is what your goal in life and you are happy with it, more power to you and God bless but don't sit their and criticize the way others live their lives all while demanding we respect yours.    We all do dumb crap in college, believe me on this one, but don't let your fleeting beliefs ruin the rest of your life.

PS - good luck getting a good job with those half dollar size ear gauges.  I thought my frat tat was a bad idea.  That screams, "I am going to live in a ice cream truck some day!".

Bald Spot

U know I should not really put this guy down as my monkey butt bald spot is getting bigger but this has to be a joke. It is like the guys from jackass razored this dude's dome. Tough lid buddy.

Buff Hobo

It is really depressing when the homeless guy outside of Ace is in better shape than you are.  I know he is walking around a lot and probably not eating like a king but it still does not help.  Well done Boxcar Willie, you have convinced me to get in better shape.

Interior Decorating

Nailed it.

Is Your Dog Friendly?

Maybe I should go over the definition of friendly lady with the German Shepherd.  Friendly is smells my hand and then lets me pet him/her and maybe likes some back scratching.   Cujo Friendly is what your dog is.  He almost took my damn hand off and it was not like I sprinted up to it in a threatening manner.  That dog should work at Gitmo for God's sake.   You should answer the question I posed with a simple no.  "He is usually friendly" is like saying alligators are usually friendly when they are not hungry. 

Bumper Sticker

Where do you pick up a sticker like this? Why would you then put it on your car?

Rough Bar

You know that the bar you are at is pretty seedy when the toilet plunger looks like this. I feel sorry for the guy who is "dealing" with the broken off end.

Food Call

You start out your call by proclaiming that it took me long enough to call you back.  It took me a half hour toots, you do realize I have other calls that I have to return that I KNOW will be a lot more fruitful than yours.  Then you decide to ask me the questions you have for me all while stuffing your face with some uncertain type of food.   Are you kidding me tubby?  How about you put the snacks down for the five minutes we are on the phone?  If you cannot get the feedback off your fat face, then don't answer the damn phone.  You do realize how disgusting it is to listen to you smack your gums as I am trying to explain to you that you have no clue what you are talking about.  I am trying to be nice.  You can't hear me cause you are eating not because I am not talking loud enough.  Maybe your next call should be to Weight Watchers.   They might be able to help you out because I am absolutely unwilling to do.  Hope you choke.

Can I?

So I know this secretary, or whatever dumb PC term they are supposed to be called now, was trying to be funny but she enraged me when I asked if I can run off to the bathroom first before going back to see the dermatologist and she drops, "I don't know, CAN YOU?!?!?".   I almost peed on her desk at that point.  It brought me back to 4th grade and my teached coming back with that bogus line as if she taught me a lesson for not saying "may".  Look grammer police, don't pull this stunt anymore.  You will be lucky if all you get is number one on your keyboard.  You MAY want to call the janitor, or whatever retarded PC term they are called now, to help out with that turd.

Mascot

Congrats ASU, you officially have the worst/creepiest mascot in the country!

Coffee Breath

When people are squinting when you are talking to them face to face, your coffee breath is out of control.   Try a mint.   You are not a Viking.

Concert?

Now is "Touch Our Junk" a band or an invitation? Great band name but I will pass on the invitation

Nothing Says I Love You Like.....

.....a huge 4 and a half foot teddy bear?  WTF?   These commercials are all over the television before Valentine's Day hocking this big ass teddy bear.   They say, "Flowers will just die and chocolates will make her feel fat." but a monsterous stuffed animal is going to sweep her off her feet?  "Hey honey, I wanted to let you know that I put absolutely no thought into a gift and I am a cheap bastard, so I got you this piece of crap leftover from last year's state fair!"  I also love the part where it shows her walking into her office and....how hilarious, the bear is in her office chair!  The actress thinks it is knee slappingly funny.  Here is how it really goes down, she sees that in her office and thinks, "Great now the whole office knows what dick bag my boyfriend is.  I think I will dump him tonight after I gauge his eyes out with these huge plastic eyes."  Unless you are trying to get out of the relationship, this is a terrible gift.  Might as well get her a bean bag chair.  She can at least fart into that thing.  I would also suggest cutting a hole in the teddy bear becuase that is the only thing you will be having sex with that night if you go the big ass teddy bear route this Valentine's Day.  

Dog Show

Why do the handlers all run like they have tacks in their shoes?

Smoking Problem

If you are lighting your cigarette with the cigarette you just finished, you have a problem.

Women Drivers

Where does this generalization come from?

Pam Oliver

Are we sure she is not a man? Honestly.

NOT!

I cannot believe people are still using this "joke".  As in, "The Seahawks really had a solid Defense in the final 25 seconds.....not!"  How long ago did Wayne's World come out?  Well, that was the last time it was funny and I am not even certain it was funny then.  If you do use this comeback or whatever you want to call it, you are a total geek.   Every time I hear someone use it, I want to hit that person in the face with a shovel.  My niece used it the other day and I really wanted to ruin her whole day for it.  She is 7.   Let us please rid ourselves of this terrible phrase of the English language.  I am pretty sure that if you are muslim and you use this phrase you get stoned to death.  Sometimes Sharia law makes sense.

Solid Lettuce

Yes, this is a male and no it is not Kenny G's son. Had to give this guy props for wearing his hair like this. Guarantee he is a MMA fighter and was just hoping for me to say some smart ass comment so he could eye gauge the shit out of me. All around legit lid on this slick Rick.

Nudist

How come all nudist are the exact kind of people that should be wearing cloths?  I was watching a show on these nudists that were involved in the mass wedding and every single one of these people were hard on the eyes.  In the interviews this old bag was saying how liberating and brave she feels for being naked.  Brave?  You took your cloths off and made people sick to their stomachs.  I think you need to look up the word brave there toots.  The only benefit that I could see was that all these guy's peckers did not get sunburn because their boilers provided a nice little canopy for their junk.  I cannot imagine what sunburned balls feel like but I think it is something they should consider in Guantanamo.

Taco Twelve Pack #2

Thheeeeeeeerrreee back.   Another terrible Taco Bell, Taco Twelve Pack commercial!  This one encourages people to become the hit of the tailgate or football party by bringing a Taco Twelve Pack with you.  Nothing says you support your team like side splitting poohcano from the stadium's shitter.  Nothing goes with beer like a taco bell taco!  If the beer burps have not worked on that broad you are trying to land, maybe the Taco Bell breathe with break down some barriers.  I love how excited the people in the commercial are that someone brought in the taco twelve pack.  Not to mention everyone in the commercial is skinny.  There has not been a bigger reach on who their customer base since beer commercials.   Bring a taco twelve pack to a party and watch how excited people get, especially the host.  Unless a bunch of stoners are hosting a football party, you are not going to be the hit of the party.  Now if someone is hosting a 12 foot bong rip party and you bring in the taco twelve pack, you might get trampled to death.  Keep the commercials coming Yum Brands, you almost have me.