McRib

Somehow the McRib is back.  Are there really people that eat this sludge formed into ribs?  It is shaped like it has bones in it but it contains no bones.  Why?  I know it is probably made of the same "slurry" that they make their McLigaments (McNuggets) from but with "pork" instead of "chicken".  I do partake in McLigaments from time to time so maybe I would like the McRib.  No thanks.  The pickles make no sense either.  I have never been eating ribs and thinking, "These need some pickle slices on them".  If it was not popular they would not bring it back so they might be onto a segment of the population that is into modified dog food.   Miki D's do not make a whole lot of mistakes so I will just laugh at the asinine commercials.

Macy's Sale!

Dear Macy's, you send me an email every day about your extended sale.   If your store has a sale every day than that is not the sales price, it is just the price.   Please stop.

View 2

I did not realize before my last post that to make up for the awesome view, the Marriott gave me my own torture patio complete with blood drain. This make up for everything.

View

Thank you Tucson Marriott for the wonderful view. It really brings back memories of my college days.

Atheists

You guys do not believe in God.   I get it.  I have no problem with that fact.   What I do have a problem with is the militant atheists that make it their life's work to ban anything and criticize everything that is related to someone else's beliefs.   Now, I get it, some religious wackos are annoying and I think most people would agree, but atheists believe anyone who believes in God is one of those wackos. These people believe that a cross or nativity scene in a public arena is tantamount to having a display of a dude raping a donkey, actually they would prefer the donkey show.  Why are you guys so mad?  If you do not like the cross, keep walking.  I don't try and shut down your bongo circle when I see one.  Now you guys are wanting to be called humanists.  What the hell is that?  Fine, tell you what, if you guys wanted to put your little symbol on the lawn of the capital during whenever your beliefs say to, I won't give a shit.  By the way, your symbol, did you have a third grader do that one for you?  A circle with a person in the Missy Misdemeanor blow up outfit in the middle!  Wow, awe inspiring.  See how easy it is to poke fun at symbols?  You guys do know when you go to holiday parties and start spouting your garbage that nobody wants to talk to you right?  You are alone because you are annoying as hell not because no one is as intelligent as you think you are.  Nothing like insulting someone else's beliefs during the holidays to get a party rocking.

Another example, the turd sampler at the bar tonight.  I am trying to watch the football game and this ass hat is talking as loud as he can about how Christians are all dumb because they believe the earth is only 2,000 years old.  I am sure some literal Christians might believe that but the majority do not.  Does he only talk to "Christians" that were born in 1248 ad?  Then he started to bang on christmas songs and how he hates ALL of them.  You hate little drummer boy?  Rocking Rudolph?  Here comes Santa Claus?  Ok, that last one drives me pretty insane too but in the right setting, it is great.  I would love to go over to this enlightened asshole's house and see what he digs.  I would also like to see super enlightened fuck wad call out some muslims on their beliefs.  You know why he won't?  Because he is a coward and knows they would probably behead his ass or at the very least he could be called a bigot.  Christians are an easy target because, for the most part, they will not confront him.  He also said he would like to tell kids that Santa does not exist.  First, I wonder how long it would take for some parent to clean your clock after you did that and second, is your life that miserable that you must ruin someone else's hopes and imagination?  I wish that I could go to your wine party and tell your friends that global warming does not exist.  I know that would ruin your precious party.  I bet I would be slapped and evil eyed to death.  I will respect your beliefs if you respect mine.  That is unless you are a nudist.  Hey, tubby B, no one wants to see your dime package swinging around so throw on some gear and tell your wife that once her tits start looking like someone put about half a cup of sand in a tube sock, she should cover those bad girls up.

Don't get me wrong, not all atheists are like that.  I just hate the ones that think they are somehow better than anyone that does not tow their line.

Go Santa!

Minivans

My mom told me once that she thinks that only fat or dumb people drive minivans.  I used to think she was just having a bad day but lately I think she might be onto something.  Tell me this, if your were coming up to a red light and you had these cars to choose from to get behind; an accord, a pick up truck,  or a minivan, which one would you pull behind?  No one would pick minivan.  And if you did pick minivan you are driving one.

For instance, yesterday morning I was driving home and a minivan just shoots right out into the street and almost into my lane.  At the light the minivan pulls up and sure as shit, fat white trash woman smoking a cig with about 4 kids in the car.  She had the fat and stupid part down to a tee.  Lady, try looking both ways before pulling into traffic, put the coffin nail down, try some contraceptives, and look into a treadmill.   Minivans are like the fat kid in 4th grade, slow, dirty, and in the way.

You Know What You Would Like

We all have that one friend/acquaintance/co-worker that you just do not jive with entertainment wise.

"Hey Salty, you know what show you would love?  The Mindy Project!  It is so funny."  I instantly know this show sucks a fat one.   This is the same jackass that thinks Jimmy Fallon's Capital One commercials are funny.  Oh, and if you think those commercials are funny, please stick your face in a blender.  Is that funny?  Well that is how I feel every time that bag of ass commercial is on.

"You know you should watch that movie the Green Lantern.  Pretty good movie."  I would rather have dick splitting gonorrhea than ever see that movie.  I don't care if this person suggests a movie that is up for seven academy awards, since they like it, I know I will hate it.

"You have to check out this Youtube clip!  It is another lip synch video to Call me Maybe!  Those clips never get old."  Ah, yes they do.  You know when they did?  When the second one was made.  Stop showing me your friend's daughter's girls volleyball teams version.  There are 4,000 versions and they all make me homicidal.  

And my favorite, "You want to hear a funny joke!?!?!"   From you, fuck no.  Can I listen to bunnies being strangles instead?   Sorry, but your idea of entertainment is my idea of torture.

Honey Boo Boo

I saw part of this program and I am afraid the end of times is near.  How is this girl famous, let me tell you, because her "mother" sticks this poor child in pageants.  These pageants are really just a child molesters wet dream but the parents seem to ignore this.  So Honey Boo Boo was the most obnoxious person on some other terrible and the producers needed someone else to exploit.  Anyhow, now Honey Boo Boo has her own show in which she tries to show the country just how white trash her plus size family is.  Mom is a walking Diabetes poster while her siblings are neck in neck in the race to early heart disease.   Now HBB is packing on some early pounds as well and is a couple of years away from a meth addiction or porn toilet star.  I feel bad for where this "child" is going to end up in life.  Most of the show bean bag body mom finds new ways to educate her kids about how to make a complete ass of themselves.  I am not sure if mom drinks but I sure as hell know that her boyfriend does because there is no way a sober human is taking that thing down without at least a keg in your system.  He needs to get all his senses checked.  It is not worth whatever measly money he makes off the show to sing the springs with that behemoth.  If the meth OD does not kill HBB, I am afraid she is going to fall asleep on the couch and mom is going to roll over and crush her to death.  Good luck in life after the show is over HBB, you are going to need it. 

PS- that is not baby fat sweet heart, that is your base coat to what is coming down the road.  Look at your mother.

Cancer Carrot

If I ate this carrot, which I came damn close to, I am 99% sure I would have flaming orange magma spewing from my backside for two days. How did this get past the inspector? I had to throw the rest of the bag out because in my mind the rest of the carrots were "tainted". My back entrance is still wincing at the near miss.

This person Exists

Yes, that is a 50+ year old "male" with a Mohawk and wearing a purple, girl's tank top. He should be a suspect in any unsolved sex crimes out there. Any of them.

Solid Ride

If your rims and wheels cost more than what you paid for the rest of your car, you might have your priorities out of whack.   That is like buying a shitty house but then thinking all is well because you bought a kick ass front door for it.

Olive Garden

I always wondered what happened to those shitty writers that wrote for "America's Funniest Home Videos".   Well apparently they are now writing Olive Garden commercials.   These commercials drive me up a wall.   What is everyone at the table laughing about?!?!!?  Waiter, smash that serving tray over the fuckstick that just cracked that "joke"!  Example:

Patron 1: I don't know what I am going to have, there is just so much I want.

Patron 2: While your doing that, I am going to order the never ending pasta bowl.

Whole Table: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA ha!!!!!

What did I miss?  If anything this guy is a total dick for cutting the lady off while she was trying to order, and secondly what he said is not the least bit funny.

This is how that exchange should have went down in Salty's book:

Patron 1: This all looks good, I don't know what I am going to order!

Patron 2: While you doing tha........

Patron 1: Hey dick breath, I am still ordering.  Stuff some more bread sticks in your suck hole and give me five damn seconds.  And if you think what you were about to say was going to be funny, I can stick those breadsticks so far up your rear that you will have garlic breath until you are 60.  You are not funny, can't believe I agreed to have dinner with you and the rest of your whack ass family.

Look Olive Garden, your breadsticks are awesome but your commercials make me homicidal.  Fire all the butt plugs you have writing your commercials and stick to the pasta.

Send in the Clowns

Was this woman singing the National Anthem or announcing the circus was in town?

KFC Dippers

This commercial is awful.  Four dudes go to some party and go straight to the KFC Dippers.  This is almost identical to the Taco Twelve Pack Taco Bell commercial.  If I go to a party and there is KFC there I know the host invited white trash.  In the commercial the four dildos leave the party because they ran out of Dippers.  If you leave a party because they run out of KFC then you need to A) go to a doctor and get your ticker checked and B) Throw yourself in front of a bus and save me the time of pushing you in front of said bus.  Come on KFC, this situation never happens.  It would be more believable if Big Foot rode though the living room on a unicorn.

Side note:  I love KFC biscuits.  I think they put black tar heroin in those bad boys because I cannot eat just one.

Bumper Stickers

The number of bumper stickers you have on your car directly correlates with how insane you are.  For instance, 1 bumber sticker, you are relatively sane with the occasional trip to crazy town.  5 bumper stickers and you think other people's works and sayings are your own, you have stalked a human at some point, and you generally annoy most people you deal with.  10 plus bumberstickers, you are bat shit crazy.  Don't give me the, "I have a bumber sticker to celebrate my student being a honor student."  BS, you have that sticker on there because you think that proves that you are good mom to all the other moms out there.  All it proves to me is that you cannot talk your kid out of putting something permanent on your ride.   Good luck with the tattoo conversation.

Office Advice

Do not call the hungry, pregnant office co worker the office garbage disposal.   This will be taken the wrong way.  I am not sure the right way to take that but it just came out of my mouth.   I am sure she will talk to me again.

Legit Taxi

I just saw an old Suburban that on the back windshield, spelled out with alphabet stickers, had, "This is a real Taxi" and a phone number.  I tried to get close enough to get a pic but of course I was behind someone that was at least 135 years old.  I would call this cab out as being really shady but he did capitalize "Taxi" so I am sure it is a safe, non-kidnapping/muder mobile.  Honestly, if you fall for this death chamber you belong in the Silence of the Lambs style pit you end up in.  Oh, and the driver had on a hat that had those old school mud flabs hanging off the back of it.      

Dump Police

So I have to drop a duece and reluctantly head down to the war zone known as our office floor's bathroom.   As I walk in the door I know it is a no go by both site and smell.  Someone in the stall needs to see a doctor about the death that is coming out of his ass and the other stall is open.  No way in hell am I saddling up inbetween these two guys so I head upstairs to the next floor bathroom.  I do my business by as I exit the stall there is a guy there washing his hands.  Below is our conversation:

Dude: Do you work on this floor?
Salty: No, do you?
Dude: Yes, I do.  You are not allowed to use this bathroom unless you work on this floor.  Please stop.
Salty: Sure guy.
Dude: Honestly stop or we will have to do something.
Salty: Are you going to call the dump police?
Dude: No, but I will call property management.
Salty: Go ahead.
Dude: Why are you being this way when this is obviously not your floor.
Salty: Because our bathroom was full.  Why are you being this way.  How does it effect you?
Dude: It just does.
Salty: Great argument.  Talk to you later.  Enjoy the bathroom.

What a jackass.  Maybe I will dump in his office next time.

Thank You Very Much!

If anyone ever ends their sentence with this phrase, punch them as hard as you can in the throat.  This statement screams, "I have never doing anything meaningful in my life so I am going to thank myself for accomplishing something most anyone can!"  Why is the person thanking themself?  What are you proving?  No one asked for your thanks especially when it was just to thank your worthless ass.  For instance, I was in San Diego this past week.   Some friends and I were talking about when we lived in the LA when a young lady asked us why we moved out of California.   I told her that I had a great time but I no longer wanted to live paycheck to paycheck.   Her rather snippy response was, "Well, I moved out here by myself and have survived ever since thank you very much!"  So you are thanking yourself for the basic human need of surviving?!?!   Look toots, you have not accomplished anything except prove a bunch of dirty old men will still over tip any chick, no matter how shitty the service, if she has huge, fake, hammers.  So finish making my cocktail with a little shake of those fun bags so I can continue drinking, thank you very much.

Then there was today.   I was speaking to this douche bag about setting up a meeting so we could see if we could make a deal work.   I told him Friday would work best for me as this week was bad.  "I can't meet Friday I am busy.  I do have a life thank you very much!"  Uh, ok so you are thanking yourself for having a life now.   Look fuckstick, how about we just don't meet as I believe you have nothing going for you.  Ps, I hope you get hit by a truck.

Hagar

This was the name of the poor lady working the checkout at Spouts today.  Hagar is a great name for a Viking or serial killer but a terrible name for a chick unless she is a professional wrestler.   It did not help that she was built like a brick shithouse either.  Hopefully she buried an axe in her parent's chest for making her go through the torture of that name growing up. 

Pistachios

I love these nuts.   You cannot eat just one of these little bastards.   There are two downsides to these bad boys:

1) If you get a rotten one.  You cannot get that taste out of your mouth until about six more pistachios.  That taste is just a notch worse than bad milk.

2) After over indulging in too many of these guys your next trip to the crapper is like shitting out a spool of barbed wire.

X-box Pants

Something tells me this guy had a rough jr. High School/High School experience. Not sure if this guy has ever kissed a girl but by the way he is standing, that might not be his thing.

Superman Tattoo

If you have the Superman symbol tattooed on your arm you better at least have muscle.  This "guy" in the grocery store had his Superman tattoo rocking but he looked about as buffed out as Kermit the Frog.   Hit the weights Kermie before you get inked up with Superman's gear.  That is like me getting the NBA logo tattoed on my arm.    

Little League Worldseries

The only reason I watch this sport is to watch little Johnny have a melt down and cry his eyes out on the mound. Buck up little camper, your dad will still beat you when you get back to the motel for not allowing him to live his failed sports career through you. Maybe mom will let you take a sip of of her thirst buster size gallon of wine she snuck into the stadium. That might dull the sadness.

Elevator Etiquette

Here in the United States of America when the elevator doors open, and you are waiting to get on, you let the people that are on the elevator get off first. Apparently in Asia, when those elevator doors open it is full bloody riot time to get on the elevator. Kids, seniors, and physically disabled people be damned. Just push and shove to get in that box. I wanted to push back but they could have been ninjas and I was late for happy hour.

Costco

I love the idea of Costco.  What I hate is the people in Costco.  People at Costco make airport people look like Rhodes scholars.  Today it started in the parking lot.  I understand that you are morbidly obese and hitting you will cause more damage to my vehicle than your body but get the hell out of the road!  Then we get inside and the insanity starts.  Everyone checks their brain at the door.  The following are just a couple of hits from today's Walmart trip:

- Shirtless kid running around the store.  Where is his family?   Where is CPS?  Most importantly, where the f is his shirt?   I saw the kid ten minutes later still by himself.  He really needed to go play inside the refrigerator.  Parenting at its best.

- Clueless woman pushing her cart down the middle of the aisle.  I try to get around her and she acts offended that I need to get by.  I should have slapped her in the face with the six steaks she had in her cart.

-I love the free samples as much as the next guy but people act as though we are in a famine when they get around these stations.  By the way jackass, there is a line.  Don't just walk up and grab a pizza square.  "I am sorry, I am in a hurry."  Oh but you have enough time to grab a pizza square?  You are not in a hurry either, you are at Costco.  If you are in a hurry, go to 7-11.

- A kid having a full on melt down because his mom would not let him have the free sample of ice cream.  I have no clue why she did not let him have any but this kid screamed like she just cut off his big toe.  And he would not stop screaming.  His parents obviously just ignore this little bedd wetter when he acts up but do that at home and not in public cause now we are all being punished.

- Guy trying on a sweatshirt, deciding he did not want it, and putting it back in the pile.   Now some poor sap is going to wear the same sweatshirt this wife beater wearing hobo just tried on.

- So many fat waddles that I stopped counting.

- The guy who acts like he does not notice the checkout line and just cuts in from the opposite angle and thinks he is next.  This happens every time I go to Costco.  

- A guy smelling the socks.  WTF!?!?!?

I really like Costco.  It is just a warehouse of idiots.  Thank god I got a tub o pickles though. 

Fast Track To Diabetes

Screw the fact that your kid will have diabetes by the time they are 10, it has whole grain!

Things I Noticed at the Strip Club Last Night

1) Their bathroom is nicer and cleaner than the bathroom at my office.

2) The DJ does not take requests.

3) They are "dancers" not "strippers".  Look toots, you are taking your cloths off for money, don't try and class up your occupation's name.

4) I heard a couple of old school songs that I want to upload to my iPod.

5) Apparently when I ordered a Jack and Coke I really ordered a Coke with an eye dropper of Jack.

6) There was no weight limit on the dancers.   At one point it looked like someone parked an RV on the stage.

7) Dancers cannot use their real name.

8) Asking someone not to sit in your lap because you are afraid she will break your femur is frowned upon.

9) Suggesting that a dancer should change her name from mercedes to dump truck is severely frowned upon.

Powerball

Am I the only person when I play powerball and lose, is a little bit disappointed?  As if I ever had a chance but still it is like, "Well shit, there goes all those awesome plans I had for those winnings."  And awesome plans they were.

Adult Pee pads

Only in my office bathroom do they resort to modified adult pee pads because of the animals that work in my office building. Welcome to rock bottom Neanderthals.

Rock N Roll Gangster

Yep, this is a male. Worst shirt I have seen in six months.

Unfamiliar Grocery Store

Is it just me or am I the only one when walking into a grocery store that I do not frequent, it is as if I just walked into a grocery store in Russia?  I can't find anything, stuff is backwards, the bakery is in BFE, where the hell are the spices and sugar?!?!?!!  Maybe I am just so simple minded that the smallest bit of change at a grocery store sends me into a tailspin of retardation.  Plus it seems like all the employees are doing ninja training so I cannot get any help and just have to walk the halls aimlessly.  Maybe just me.....

On a real side note:  The Starbucks lady inside the Safeway told me one time she could not make my beverage because she was out of milk.  HELLO!  You are in a fucking grocery store!  There is twenty yards of milk in the back of this place!  Am I on candid camera!??!  You could use the GOS on the iPhone that you have sewn to your face to find the back of the building where you work.  Use your brain toots.

Baggage Claim

I could writw a book about the airport and how the whole place pisses me off but I will break it up into small posts every once in awhile. 

Let's start with Baggage Claim.   Is there a bigger cluster fuck in the whole airport then this area?  I know, the security line but I will deal with that in another post.  People lose all common sense at baggage claim.   Believe it or not jackass, other people have a black bag!   No need for you to grab everyone one of them off the carousel so you can check the name tag.  Then there is the dude that is protecting his three feet of carousel space like he is boxing out Shaq.  Or the moron who has seven bags coming out and no family. He has all his bags around him like a fort and no one else can get to their bags.  Unless you are on your way to hike Mt. St. Helens, you do not need all that gear, butthole.  Then there are the parents that think that at baggage claim they can let their kids roam free like they are at playground.  Kids running in and out of people and bags screaming bloody murder.  Then sure as shit, bonk, suitcase to the head.  The mom gives the guy trying to get his baggage of the merry go round a bad look as if he is in the wrong.  Like he is on the playground of this litttle devil's school whapping kids with his bag.  I want to stuff one of these little devils in my bag and see mom freak out when she can't find them, wha la, I grab the little tyrant out my bag and tell her to keep her eye on the little puke.  And no, I have no problem with kids.  I love well behaved kids.  I have a huge problem with entitled, terribly behaved, brats that have no sense of right and wrong.

Let's get back to baggage claim.  How about the man who will not help the lady out that is getting dragged down the carousel by her bag because it is too heavy.  Hey ass hat, help the lady out!  Oh, that is right, you don't want to leave your precious, kick ass spot right where the bags come out.  Speaking of that, why do people crowd the clown's mouth where all the bags come out like they are saving themselves a whopping 15 seconds there.  I would also like to talk to the person that announces what carousel the bags are coming out of.  Is it this hard to find someone that can speak english for this position?  Or maybe a person that is not giving head to the microphone so it all sounds like the same word?  Oh, and then the moron whose job it is to type out the reader board.  This guy is wrong more than weatherman.

I usually leave the baggage claim ready to fight someone I am so mad.  But there was this one time.  I remember it like a dream.  I was at the Las Vegas baggage claim at my denoted area to pick up my bags.  Then it happened......my bag came off first!  I almost shit myself.  I was running around the airport like I just won the lottery.  Might have been one of the best moments of my life.  Right until one of my co workers said, "You know it doesn't really matter, you had to wait for us anyway.  So it was like yours just came out when ours did."  I probably should have not told her that I hope she died this week but she tried to take my victory from me and that will not stand.

Needless to say, I hate the baggage claim.  There has to be a better way.  In this day in age when we can chat face to face with someone in Poland when I am in LA, we are still using the same method of delivering bags that we did in the seventies.

Board Shorts

Is there any way to piss when wearing board shorts without a drop of pee falling into the crotch?  You can yank on your crank like you are trying to start a lawn mower and sure as shit, the last drop will fall right on your crotch.  Then you get to walk out of the bathroom with a spot on your crotch and act like it does not exist.  Maybe wearing board shorts to the bar is not a good idea.

Toots

The guy in front of me at the grocery store called the checkout girl "toots" when he left. 
As in:
"Have a nice day!"  
"Thanks Toots!"

This seemed to irk the checkout gal.  The following is our conversation:

CG: That guy has some nerve calling me toots.

SD: Cool your jets and check me out there hun.

I did not say that but it would have been great if I had.   Just a note, seems as though females do not like being called "toots" in most to all situations.  I will do some more research over the next week.

Pick a Winner

Have you ever been sitting in a meeting and come to the realization that you are two knuckles deep picking your nose.  That happened to me today.  I could have been doing it for five seconds or five minutes.  I am sure people were impressed.

Front of the Plane

Is it me or is this wear all the dumb, fat, old, and generally slow get to sit?  I was on a plane recently and this fat woman was the third person to leave the plane but what would take a no armed man 30 seconds took this woman ten minutes.  People offered to help but "She could handle it".  Uh, no you can't.  Getting her bag out of the over head baggage area was the first time she had put her arms above her head in 6 months.  Then she drops her hat and she takes another 5 minutes picking it up.  Then she had to have a conversation with the crew on her way out.  Are these people capable of moving faster than a sloth.  If it were up to me, when the plan door opens, everyone has to move like people move when they have diarrhea and the bathroom might be too far away to make it.  Let's move people!  I have booze to drink!

Backpack

The only male adults over 45 that should be wearing a backpack are:

1) People in the military

2) Hunters

3) Hikers

4) Camelback wearers

5) Search and rescue personnel

6) Fathers that are carrying their kids Pocohontas style

7) Adult retards

These are the others:

1) Serial killers

2) Serial perverts

3) Serial perverts' bitch that carries his rape tools

4) Serial drug addict that is on that spice shit that make you eat people

5) Serial homeless person that carries some combination of 3 and 4 in backpack

6) Super shady, fuck knuckle that had a leather backpack that probably had a severed head in it today at the bar I was at.

You HAVE To Try This!

So I get stuck with a client that wants to grab a late lunch (3:30).  "Oh, you have to try this restaurant I stumbled across last time I was in town.  The best Indian/Burmese food ever!"  Uh, Burmese food?  I am not quite sure what that consists of but I know Indian food sucks ball so we are off on the wrong foot already.   I told him I already ate so he invited me to join him and we could talk shop.  SIDE NOTE: I hate the term "talk shop".   Jackasses use this term to sound like they are Johnny Business.  Wrong, you are Johnny Douche that is going to waste a hour of my life. Anyway, we get to the restaurant and it is the only place in the shopping center where there are not vagrants hanging outside and when I get within 15 feet I know why.  If you restaurant smells like the combination of a pot of boiling diarrhea and a small electrical fire, I am not eating or sitting or staying for that matter.  If the hobos won't go near your door because of the smell, there are some serious issues a foot.  But, lucky me, I am with my client so have to enter the war zone.  My eyes start watering upon entry and to my utter shock, there is no one in the place.   We sit down in some booth concoction dreamed up by someone who thinks humans cannot be taller than 5 foot 6.  My client is going to eat light which occording to the platter that was put in front of us, is eating for about four people.  Pigs would run from this platter.  "You have to try this stuff here.  I know it looks bad, but give it a try."  It looks bad?  It looks fucking awful.  How do you get food that color?  Oh, and if you have to call it paste, it is going to tastle like the inside of a camels asshole, also where I think most of this muck came from.  Paste?  Really?  Last time I heard of someone eating paste was in preschool and I am pretty sure that kid had brain damage.  And no, I don't have to try it.  I don't have to try shit, I am still in America, I think, so I will again pass.  Just like you don't have to try taking a kick from me to your trouser snake, I don't have to eat your crap.  Also, a lot of hand eating at this joint.  WTF is that all about?  I am waiting for Grog the caveman to come out and join my client to teach him the suttle nuances of hand slop.  I cannot wait to get back outside just so I can smell something other than sweat, curry, fire, death, and butt paste.  Even the water tasted different.  Probably do to my senses in panic mode and the smell has made it's way into this watery liquid via some form of osmosis.

Cliff Notes version of the end is I say I have to get going and he says he is going to stick around.  For what exactly, that is for his ass to figure out.  I am not sure I was in a full sprint out of this place but it was close.  I am going to have to throw my cloths away.  Just stay away from any restaurant that has Manish or Manush in the name.  You will thank me, so will your bowels.

Unisex Bathrooms

When did this become the new thing at bars/clubs?   This is a terrible idea and I can't see the upside for either sex.  The last thing I want to do when I am out is have to piss next to someone of the opposite sex.  Hot girls can never be hot again when you know they are swimming a butt squirrel in the stall next to you.   That image can never get out of your head.   Plus, the bathroom is where guys go to fart so they are not blowing ass gas in the public areas.  It is also a positive because really drunk dudes show so much tact when around women in public areas, lets let them be close to them when they are doing their business.  The only person this really works well for is the drug dealers.  Yeah them!

Misstache

Females are not supposed to have mustaches, period.  I have no clue how you are not seeing that mini Sanchez every time you look in the mirror.  You are talking with your little sister, who is showing signs of cultivation on her upper lip too, about how you cannot wait until you meet someone and get married.  Here is some advice there Magnum, that caterpillar you have hibernating on your upper lip is like male kryptonite.  No dude in his right mind is into that fuzz.  Maybe one out of a country is into that and he is probably making a skin suit a la Buffalo Bill.  Get a razor and go to town on that upper lip and you will get a dude.  We are not that picky but some shit does not fly.  I did not get a look at your pits but by the length of your mustache something tells me you got two puppy Ewoks living under your arms.  Razor that crap too and run some deodorant in those bad boys and you will be face banging in no time.  Wow, look at you!  You look like a woman now!  Now go slap your dad for wearing the Gilligan's Island hat and we are all square.

Cell Phone Speaker

I have a client that has a quirk when he is talking on his cell phone.   Whenever he is speaking, he holds the phone away from his ear right in front of his face.  Then when he wants to listen again he puts the phone back to his ear.   He keeps up with this charade throughout the conversation.  I just chalked it up to his quirkiness but then I saw another bozo doing the same thing at the grocery store.  Hey dipshits, your phone is designed so you can talk with the phone up to your ear!  This is not 1938.  Maybe we should install a rotary dial on your cell phone as well.  Oh and it is a cell phone, not a celly.   I don't care where you come from, you say that again and I will head butt you.

Buzzed Guy

You know the feeling after you have a couple of alcoholic beverages where you feel like all is well in the world?  A lot of people call it "buzzed".  I love that feeling.  Why is it that "buzzed guy" cannot hang out longer?  I will tell you why, because "buzzed guy" likes how he got to become "buzzed guy" and continues slamming drinks thinking that will make "buzzed guy" even buzzier.  Wrong!  "Buzzed guy" quickly turns into "That Guy".  "That guy" is far less enjoyable.  "That guy" loses common sense and tact.  1 out 10 times "that guy" is fun and that stat could be wrong.  Most of the time "that guy" insults the group he was with, thinks he has the world figured out, tells some people how to live their lives, thinks he is the life of the party, and has the whole party/bar/event not wanting to hang out with "that guy".  If you find yourself being "that guy" it is essential that you find "come on guy" as in, "Come on guy don't piss in the corner" or "Come on guy, stop hitting on my grandmother" or my favorite, "Come on guy, you are drinking out of an ash tray."  Find "come on guy" and make sure you do not get to that level and people will start thinking, "That guy is pretty bad but look over there, come on guy is riding a bike naked through someone's kitchen he doesn't know."  I just wish I could stay "buzzed guy".

Sometime maybe I can post about, "Just sit there and don't move guy".  He is a real hoot.

Mint Gum

Why is it everytime I chew minty gum and then take a drink of water it seems like a dragon just burped down my throat?  Can we come up with some gum that does not hinder me from drinking water for a half hour after gnawing on it?  Water should go down easy not like lava.

Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Killer

Really Hollywood?!?! Is there no writers worth a shit out there any more?

Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Dear Kardashian Family,

We are all caught up now.  Please go away.  On your way out please explain to me why you are famous so we all know.

Sincerely,

95% of the world

Death Call

I was just watching TV and a commercial came on for an attorney's office about some drug.  The commercial stated, "If you have taken Sasaserin and experienced any of the following, please give us a call because you might be due some large finacial compensation: Shortness of breathe, blood in urine, extreme fever, trouble sleeping, numbness in your extremities, or death.  If you have experienced any of these symptoms please give Buttplug Attorneys at Law a call so we can fight for you."  If I experienced death I am going to have a pretty rough time calling your office brainiac.  I am going to have an even rougher time making use of that financial compensation.  Might as well ask me to call you after having my head cut off by Al Qeida so you can sue the knife manufacturer.  Don't act like you have sympathy for your clients when you ask them to call, all you see is $$$.  Fight for me?  More like cash in on me.  This rant is giving me a headache, I am going to take some Sasaserin.

Poets

Note to all the poets out there: If you do not rhyme your poetry you are just a jackass talking into a microphone or writing crappy words in a "journal".  I can talk into a microphone about a horse running in a meadow without rhyming and I know that I am not an artist so that means neither are you.  I know you "poets" will say that there are others that enjoy your craft.  Bullshit.  Those are just others fucksticks that are justifying their lack of talent  by acting like they enjoy the shovel of turds you are scooping just hoping that you will stick around to hear their turd sandwich.  BTW, don't get me started on Haiku.  That is not an art form either.  I was writing Haiku in fourth fucking grade.  Your skill is something I was doing in fourth grade with ease by the way.  The dumbest kid in our school could burp out a Haiku and that is what you are claiming as art?  There is a reason there are starving artist, it is because no one wants to pay you for your shit.  Get a job.

God Bless You?

What is the protocol when you are at the urinals next to a priest and the priest farts?   This happened at the wedding I was at over the weekend.   These are the options that went through my mind:

A) "God bless you"

B) "Nice out"

C) Look over, head nod

D) Return fire

I opted for C mostly because I did not have a fart on deck.  The priest, a very nice guy, nodded back and went to wash his hands.  Needless to say I was not ready for this situation but maybe next time I will have some ammunition to mount a solid counter attack.  

Miami Heat

Does ESPN know there are other teams and other sports playing in May other than the Heat? I know your network sucks Lebron off but at least act like he does not run the place.

Dear Harrah's Casino, Las Vegas

I know that is only costs $49.00 a night to stay at your hotel but can I make a couple of suggestions:

1)You cannot call my room non smoking just cause I am not smoking in it.  If the bag of dicks that stayed in the room before me smoked in it, guess what, it is now a smoking room.   The spray you used might cover up some of the stench but you are not fooling me.  Also, the fuzzy foreigners that spent 90% of their time smoking outside my room are not helping the smoky smell either.

2) When the person in the room above me flushes the toilet, it should not knock me out of bed.   I bet you have some powerful plumbing but come on.   It sounds like a space shuttle is taking off above me.

3) The shower nosel should be higher than my chest.  Do you have a proliferation of midgets staying at your hotel?  I should not have to be a gymnast to get the shampoo out of my hair.

4) Why not just have the tub made out of ice because that would be a whole lot less slippery than the material the bottom of the tub is made out of.  Doing the splits every time I get in the shower really sucks.

5) pay the extra couple of cents and get at least one ply toilet paper.

6) When the vending machine spit out the water bottle it also spit out a fart.  Might want to clean that bad boy out.

7) Ask whatever cab company you partner with to have at least a cab every twenty minutes stop by to pick people up.

8) Do your escalators ever work?  It seems like one is also on the fritz and it always happens to be the one I am using.

9) It would be nice if your security "guards" were: a) younger than 70, b) spoke english, and c) knew that they were security guards.

10) It was a nice touch this year that I have a TV in my bathroom.  The only problem was that someone obviously tried to steal it at some point and in doing so really jacked up the color and reception.

11) The room service line cannot always be busy.

12) When my down the hall neighbor throws up in their trash baskets and puts it in the hall, it should not take a day for someone to retrieve it.  I have photo evidence of this.

13)When your ATM's only spit out $100 bills, your store should be able to break them or take them at all.

14) The first mardi gras elevator on the left is a fucking death trap and needs to be serviced.  The sound it makes when the door closes scares the piss out of me.  I always forget that it sucks and it too late once the door shuts.

15) Get a vacuum cleaner that is at least from the 80's.  Something tells me it no longer sucks the right way when it is that old and by the looks of my rug, it needs to be retired.  So does the cleaning lady.  She has one foot in the coffin and the other on the tub floor.

Other than this, thanks for having such a cheap room rate.  See you next year when you find a new way to make my conference interesting.

Salty

Hangover

Why does my body have to be so pissed that I tried to kill it with booze last night?   The revenge of the hangover is unacceptable.  I have drank about three gallons of water and have zero urge to urinate.  It feels like I placed a chlorine tablet under my left eyelid.  My brain is trying to escape through my right eye so that feels awesome. My swamp butt is off the charts.  It is as if all my sweat pores are closed except for the ones on my ass.  Remember the movie Aliens?   You know how their blood was like acid.  I feel if a spit on something it would melt like in the movie.  I farted in my office and the fire sprinklers almost activated.  I also feel like I have not slept in a month.  The only thing that sounds remotely appetizing is bacon and I can only eat so much bacon in one day.  I have to mental capacity of a three year old right now.  Thinking hurts. I have to go to this engagement party and after one drink I am going to be right back to 1 am last night.  The over/under on people I offend in the first half hour is six.  Place you bets.

Office Restroom RUFKM?!?!

Just when you think it is safe to venture back into the office restroom, someone shits the sink.

Butt Slap

If you are male and you are slapping someone in the ass to say hello as a joke, you better be damn sure it is your friend you are slapping.  Furthermore, you sure as shit better be sure you know the recipient if he is at the urinal at the time of said slapping.  Especially in a office complex bathroom.  "Oh, Bro!  I am so sorry, I thought you were someone else!" is not going to cut it.  The look on my face pretty much told the guy to swirly himself.  I guess this guy was lucky it was me, reeling from losing my street cred by getting punched in the face by a woman, and not someone else that would probably of fed him his teeth.  I am not sure you walk out of most bars here in town if you pull the blind ass slap.  It was at least worth it to see the absolute horror on his face when I looked back and I was not his "buddy".   I don't care how close you are with your buddy, keep that shit on the court or field and out of the bathroom, any bathroom. 

Note To Self

Do not tell a bi-polar, psychopathic, "woman" that she cannot get on the party bus. They will punch you in the face without warning. I am hoping she might have been a tranny cause she had a solid right hook. If you know she is crazy maybe you should give your buddy a heads up too before he leads with his face.

Bathroom Band-Aide

I would like to thank whomever took off their disgusting, bloody, disease ridden Band-Aide and left it for the rest of the office bathroom users to dispose of. You truly have no shame. I hope you get a flesh eating disease.

OJ Simpson

I just heard someone on the radio scream that OJ was framed and never murdered Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.  I am not sure how dumb you have to be to believe this but I am thinking you have to be pretty blind to facts.   OJ had blood in his car, could not account for parts of the night, had beat her and made threats to kill her in the past, and a bloody glove was found on his property.  I know you are going to say Mark Furman planted that glove.  Seriously?  What does he have to gain by doing that?  And don't even bring up Kato.  What turd that dude is.  I think it was proven that OJ had a slight anger problem when he was put in prison for armed robbery and threats in Vegas.  Pull your brain out of your back side and look at the Nicole Simpson.Goldman case again.  It is a total joke that he got away with murder and I don't care that he lost in civil court.  That is crap.   Hey I murdered your family member but some cash that I will never pay the full amount to your family should make you feel better and give the kids their mom back and Fred his son back.

The same people that believe he was innocent are the same people who also believe that Michael Jackson was just giving those young boys a health exam/full body cavity search with his face.  Come on people, just cause you liked their music or their career does not mean they are pure souls.   By the end, Michael had a face that made Skelator look like Brad Pitt and was fully addicted to pain meds.   The guy had a damn theme park in his back yard and liked to climb trees. Great things for adults to come over and enjoy right?  More like great bait to use to fish for influential and innocent boys.  Great artist, terrible role model/babysitter.  To the adults that would let your kids go over to this "man's" house after the first accusation, you lose all parenting rights forever.  Why not just leave your kids in the lion cage at the zoo?  I am rambling.  To sum up, screw you OJ.  OJ supporters, eat a bag of dicks.  Michael Jackson sycophants, get a life and some help.   Parents, use some common sense.

Nap Head

Is made 100 times worse when you are a news anchor.

Women's College Bowling

Really ESPN? There is no other sport on right now?

Drunk Golf Tips

If Tiger Woods only knew that the drunk in front of my foursome yesterday had the fix to his swing then he would be leading the masters by 5 strokes.  This guy had all the fixes starting with is neck position to his back leg.   He had all the tricks, I guess Tiger would have to get past the fact this wizard could not get his drive past the ladies' tee his first two drives.  I guess Tiger needs to hit the booze like a dump truck too and use the F word as your only adjective for anything.  Tiger also needs to blame is 4 putt on the grass that made up the greens as well.  You are right buddy, it is the greens, not your alcohol intake or that you suck at golf.  Stick to watching the game at your local watering hole and telling the patrons how great you are because in person you are a total wreck, kind of like your liver.

Burger King

BK,

If you expect me to believe that David Beckham eats at your restaurant then I would also like to buy some beach front property from you in Nebraska.  No one in their right mind eats at BK and they sure as hell do not got there for your "fresh" smoothies.  The only time I eat at BK is in the Las Vegas airport when I am usually hungover as hell and would eat a shoe.   You had a good run BK, but it is time to go the way of the Dodo.

Crack

Just say no to crack. Especially if it is staring at you like so.

Halibut

Everyone,

If you are at a restaurant that is serving halibut and you say, "I think I will have the Halibut just for the Halibut", the server should grab your butter knife and stick it directly up you nose.  This is not funny or witty.  I know you think you are funny but you are not, you are a jackass.   Anyone that has ever been a server has had to stand through some turd order halibut that way and everyone of them will give you the coutesey laugh when what they really want to do is shoot you.  Congrats, you officially suck.

Pizza Party

Everyone pretty much likes pizza. I love it! I want to rub pizza all over my fat ass. It should be an easy order right? WRONG! I get that there are vegetarians and individuals that need glutton free. They need to eat too and should get a pizza they can enjoy. The order should be some cheese pizzas, pepperonis, veggie/glutton, and maybe a sausage/green pepper type pizza. This should pacify everyone. My stink is with the person that wants to push their pizza concoction on everyone else. "No guys, you HAVE to try the hermit crab, white cheese, and moose knuckle. Honestly, TRY IT. I am telling so and so (who of course cannot tell this person to eat a bag of assholes) to order it." Then everyone is stuck with some dumpster fire pizza that no one wants. But there is Pete with, his slice of terribleness, with a huge smile on his face. Then there is Jenny, who is a little late, and now all the normal pizza is gone and she is starring at the pizza left thinking, "WTF is this crap?". Pete does not get that everyone now hates him, especially Jenny.

This also goes to the jerk who just starts putting extra trimmings on the whole pizza instead of their slice. They run up and start dumping red peppers or some other trimming that maybe other people do not like or want. Hey Pete, no one wants that many damn jalapenos on their pizza except you so take your slice and then add your sting ring inducing toppings. Oh and eating that many jalapenos does not make you the office tough guy, it makes you the butt plug that no one else wants to talk to the rest of the day cause your breathe smells like Tijuana. Way to punish the whole office, and your butthole, for the rest of the day, and in the case of your poop chute, all day tomorrow. Come on people, don't be Pete.

Small Car, Huge, Loud Muffler Guy

You are a douche bag.

Office Microwave

You are not allowed to cook the hot garbage you call your lunch in here.   What the hell smells like that? Oliver Twish would turn that down!   Not only have you tainted the whole kitchen area but the whole office smells like throw up.  Don't give me the whole, "Thank God it is Friday" bullshit as you stir that vomit stew and stuff it down your gullet.  Honestly, you should not eat liquids that are greyish.  I am really thrilled that the rest of my day is going to consist of dry heaving whenever I go to refill my water. 

Dog Whisperer

I run into this guy and his dog at the park while walking my dog.   Within five minutes he is telling me what my dog is thinking and what he needs.  He says that my dog wants more time off the leash.  Oh really!?!?!?  Does he also like treats?  This guy is a regular psychic.  After that he tells me his dog and my dog have the same outlooks on life.   Fearing that he is about to rape my dog, I listen to this guy a little more before leaving in the opposite direction of this pervert.

It reminds me off the people at the dog park that are experts on canines because they taught their dog to sit. I appreciate that you think my dog is big and cute but I don't need advice on how to take care of my dog.  I don't give you advice on that shit storm you call a hair cut.   No, my dog does not need to eat raw lamb.  He eats dog food.  They will claim that the raw lamb makes their dog so much more happy and they would not eat anything other than raw food.  Really?  How come your dog is slurping up some other dog's ass chocolate right now?  Ya, your dog is brilliant.  Something tells me your dog is also a huge fan of peanut butter on certain parts of your body too.

Emissions Testing

If your shit box falls under the following criteria, you are not going to pass:

1) Vehicles that were pushed onto the lot.
2) Vehicles that look like a tire fire is occuring in their muffler.
3) Vehicles that are squeeling.
4) Vehicles whose muffler is bigger than their tires.
5) Vehicles that keep breaking down.
6) Vehicles that are missing important parts such as a back window, trunk, passenger seat, or door.

Even if you have really been praying, and the ninety religious bumber stickers that adorn the whole back of your car say you have, you are not going to pass.  Please save the rest of us some time and take it to the salvage yard.  Now before I get labeled cruel, in high school my rig failed.  I was surprised and did everything they told me to do to get it up to standards.  What I did not do is, go back around, and get back in a different line hoping that somehow they would not notice the  faded primer Carbecue was back.  Why did I have enough time to notice all this happening?  Because I was stuck behind said car's older brother whose owner thought that he could talk them out of failing him.  What a joke.  

PS - Getting a physical is going to be the same experiene if we keep heading down this Healthcare debacle we have now.  Get used to it.

Following Directions

Hell no! She is too busy jabbering on the phone about her nails and smoking a coffin nail.

Body Odor Person

Honestly, what am I missing with you?   You have to be able to smell yourself, I mean I smelled you from about 75 yards away.  What point are you trying to prove?   That you have no one that wants to get within 30 feet of you.   And you are not homeless, you are just disgusting to be disgusting.  Don't give me the, " the chemicals in soap and deodorant upset your skin or are used on animals" bs either.   There are all natural alternatives that you can put in those pits of filth of yours.  Plus the animals you are protecting would prefer you did something about your stink too.  How about just running some water on your body?   Cruise by the fire department and I am sure they would hose you down for free.  I tell you what, I will buy you a brand new pair of bongos and take you on a shopping spree to the deodorant aisle at Costco, all on me.  I will even throw in some shampoo.  Medusa thinks your hair sucks.

What is even more perplexing is the normal dude that has BO.  The guy at the deli today was in a suit and smelled like Khandahar.   How does that happen?   This guy mistook the meaning of hard sell.  Someone has to let this jerk off know that he is awful.   Today, it was not going to be me.  He had that crazy eye going on and I think he was having a bad decade.  Definitely too old not to know he stunk.  Maybe next time.

Weight Room Guy

Hey, I get that working out is better than sex to you but can we do without the grunts, screams, and extreme heavy exhales?  I know that you are trying to get yourself pumped for your 20th round of bench but use your inside voice or maybe even nothing at all.  I also don't think slapping your biceps is doing anything for you.  Everyone looks at themselves in the mirror at the gym but you are a couple stares and glances away from slow dancing with yourself.  Clean it up, the mirror is starting to get nervous.  I am impressed that you can squat all that weight.  You know what would impress me more?  Running those sweat pants through the wash once every six months.  You think you don't sweat but those sweats smell like the inside of a used coffin.  I am happy that you are being healthy and taking care of yourself but it this is not your house so please be aware of other people.   Also, don't look over at me and give me that little smirk that I am not as muslcular than you are.  I don't want to look like that just like I don't want a "Bad Boy" sticker on my car like yours.  We live in different worlds with differnt priorities.  We share some space a couple of times a week, let's just make it enjoyable for all.

PS - Please take care of the New York City of all zits on your back.  I think it winked at me today.

Frat Tat

In 1996 this bad boy was bitchin. In 2012 it is a douche magnet. Every time some dude comes up to me asks me if I was really a SAE, I want to cry a little bit because I know this guy is going to want to talk about how rad his chapter is. No buddy, we have nothing in common other than the hand shake and that we happen to have both been SAE's. No, I do not bleed purple and gold. No, I do not want to hear about what soririties are hot at you school. No, I do not know the True Gentleman anymore. If I would have known the BS this tattoo was going to put me through, I would have cut off my ankle instead of tattooing it. I wish 2012 Salty could talk to 1996 Salty. Sit him down and explain the pitfalls of this tattoo. Let him know how much crap he will have to endure becuase of this decision. Let him know that the tattoo has impressed zero girls. On the contrary, I think it might have scared a couple away. The only think it attracts is buttholes that want to give you the shake, tell you a story he thinks is rad, and tell you how hard core frat guy he is. And no, I am not getting it removed because that looks like it hurts and I am a wuss when it comes to that shit. And I am not getting it covered with another tattoo because whatever I decide to cover it with is more than likely going to be worse than what I have. Damn you 1996 Salty.

Subway

Whoever came up with the "Five Dollar Foot Long" song should be beat with a five foot long steel rod.  Instead of spending the millions of dollars on these advertising spots that run every commercial break, maybe you can spend that money on purchasing edible deli meats for your sandwiches.  North Koreans think those deli cuts are disgusting.  Offering an affordable sandwich is great, but at least make it tolerable.  After you accomplish making a good, affordable sandwich, put your marketing team in a Subway truck and drive it off a cliff.  

Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives

Just once I would like Guy to taste some food concoction that one of these joints puts out and say, "Oh God, that tastes like dog shit!  What is wrong with you?  How the hell did you get on this show? I hope that I am on Punked because if I am not, the city should shut your ass down!"   Just once.  There is no way he has enjoyed every dish that they put in front of him.  I would even settle for, "That is sub par at best.  Do you have naked pictures of my Executive Producer?  That could be the only way you got on this show.  Who wants to go to Taco Bell?  I am buying."

Women's Basketball

I would rather watch my parents make a porno.

Nicolas Cage

What is the last good movie this guy made?  Leaving Las Vegas?  Honeymoon in Vegas?  Raising Arizona?  I mean those are all over 15 years ago.   Now he just takes any role thrown up in front of him.  Not just movies that don't make money, really bad movies that make Biodome look like Oscar material.  I guess that is what you have to do when you go BK cause you spend money like congress.   Get a hold of yourself Nick.  Ghost Rider 2?  Are you fist baggin' me?  Someone actually saw the first travesty, Ghost Rider 1, and thought, "God, we really shit the bed on that god awful piece of garbage, let's make another one."  And of course there is Nick knocking doors down to make the film.  I hope someone takes the writers of this movie and light their heads on fire like the Ghost Rider.  Now you know how anyone dumb enough to go see this movie wants to do to themselves ten minutes into it.  Have I seen either one?  F no.  All I need to see is the trailer and know it is going to blow.  I would rather watch someone beat my dog.  Who approves these movies?  Hollywood, stop taking the easy way out on the sequel train and get some real writers to put out some real films.  Fire the rest of these idiots that only can rewrite old TV shows into movies or take older movies and do remakes.  Then if you finally make something worth a bag of crap and someone says, "Let's put Nick Cage in this bad boy.",  jump kick that retard in the face.

Dog Drop

Who the hell lets their dog crap in someone's front yard and does not clean it up? If I ever catch your dog crapping in my front yard again I will field goal your little mutt into next week. Then I am going to choke you out with his leash. Have some respect for the hood. I have a Great Dane. Do you think I get off picking up his huge dumps when he craps in someone's yard? No, it is awful but I do it. Because it is the right thing to do. I hope you and your dog get hit by a bus.

Joke

No need to repeat the joke sweetheart.  I did not laugh because your joke was not in the least bit funny, not because I did not hear you.  That is a minute of my life I will never get back.  You know what else does not make your joke funny?  Your ear piercing cackle/laugh.  Stick with making pizzas and leave the jokes to the comedians.

Dog Food Bag

Is there an easy way to open these things?!?!? I cannot do it without spilling the food, ruining the bag, or having a stroke. We should build a fence of these things and put it at the border. That will slow down illegal immigration at least a little bit. It might just piss them off enough to give up and turn around.

Person Who Threw Their Gum on the Ground

I hate you more than I hate Al Qaeda.  If I find you I am going to gauge your eyes out with a rusty spoon.  Now I am walking around doing the moon walk forwards like a spaz.  It must of been too much for you to throw that bubbleyum in a garbage can.  It would have take time out of your day reserved for picking your face.  You suck.

Chipotle Line

If you are waiting in line at Chipotle (or any similar fast casual eatery/deli with a menu board) for longer than five minutes and the person in front of you is called on to order and he/she does not know what they want, it should be legal to slam this person's face into the sneeze guard. What the hell have you been doing for the last five minutes? The menu board is right there, clear as day. If you cannot read it then how in the name of all that is holy did you drive here?

In my case it was more like ten minutes and super important was jabbering on the phone about her best friend to her other best friend. It is finally her turn to order and she has to excuse herself from the conversation, laugh, and then exclaim, "Uh, what do I want?" I don't know what you want but you are going to need an ambulance if you do not order in the next five seconds. This is why people go postal. It did not help that I was hungry and the guy's breath behind me smelled like he had just ate a skunk but come on.

PS - no lady, you have never not paid for your chips. They always cost extra. Now please pay and then take said bag of chips and suffocate yourself.

Fake Knockers

You are the one that went way overboard on your boob job and got the DDD's and wore the low cut top.  Stop giving me bad looks for staring at those sweater kittens.  Do not give me the BS about getting them to even out your frame either, you got them for attention.  I am male and can't help the fact that huge hammers draw my eyes to them.  It is just like the way your gold digger ass is attracted to dudes with Rolexs, my eyes are attracted to enormous Ta Ta's.

Dog the Bounty Hunter

Dog, please keep your sunglasses on brah.  What have you done to your eyes/eyelids?   It is like a cross between someone who looked at the sun through binoculars too long and Rocky at about round 3.  I know that his hair is an absolute hot mess and he dresses like a GI Joe figurine from the early 80's, but those eyes creep me out.  I would be ready to head back to the clink too if that was the only way to get those peepers out of my grill.  

One last thing Dog, stop calling your kid Baby Lisa.  She is like 30, way out of the baby range and she sure as hell not a love interest.   From the previews that are on A&E 24/7, you might want to change her name to Terrible Drunk Lisa.

Other than that, keep up the good work.

Buying in Bulk

Might not be the answer.

Office Public Restroom, Part 3

The Urinal

Every time I jockey up to one of the two stalls here it is as if a squad of Taliban fighters used the urinal before me.  That is the only thing that can explain the length and amount of hair there.   Honestly, where can these hairs come from that are this length?  If this is pubic hair, someone has one of the most untamed crotches ever.  This crotch would make 70's porn crotch look like a putting green.  If it is someone's beard or face then maybe you need to go see a doctor because you are losing an unhealthy amount of hair for this short a time in one place.  I know the urinals get cleaned at the end of the day so this is not a couple days worth of hair plus it is in the morning when I notice this Chia urinal.  Someone in our building really needs to clean it up.

Office Public Restroom, Part 2

The Stall

There are three in the restroom on our floor. Proper etiquette is to leave a stall buffer in-between stall pilots. Do not saddle up next to me if there is a stall open a stall away. I do not need to hear and smell you struggling with last night's meatloaf from two feet away if at all possible. Now, we all have butt trouble from time to time and there is no time to adhere to the "stall away" terms and that is fine. But, whoever saddles up next to me when there is an open stall needs to understand that used butt tickets might start to fly. This is where we go to lay wolf bait not where we need to socialize. I want to be concentrating on my turding and my solataire. NOTHING ELSE. If you recognize my shoes and you think it is time to talk about last night's Suns game, save it. Not the time or the place. If you think your loud farts are funny, I do too, but let's chat about that later this week and not during battle. If you are having a rather rough morning/afternoon, lets throw in a double flush. Nothing worse than going into a docking station only to find remnants of someone else's war scars. Just remember, we are all animals and have to roll thunder from time to time, let's just all agree to leave each other alone and we will all get through this. We all are vunerable during this time so do not exasperate the situation with uncalled for distractions. This is not prison, this is civilised society.

Office Public Restroom, Part 1

The Sink.

I use the sink to wash my hands after doing my business.  It appears that in my office someone is washing their dog in the sink.   That would be the only explanation why there is water absolutely everywhere.  People, just flick your hands a couple of times while still at the sink and then get over to the paper towels and finish the process.  This eliminates the everglade like swamp that resides on the edge of the sink waiting for me to barely press up against it.  This allows a nice wet spot to form on my crotch right before my 10:00 appointment.  I am trying to convince someone that I want their business but now it looks like all I want is a diaper.

Boston

Stop celebrating your accent.   It is awful and makes you look like you failed 5th grade.

Beyond Scared Straight

Thank you Beyond Scared Straight for making me beyond scared knowing this person exists. Is this a ghost? Is this an albino sasquach? I know a prison cannot hold this entity. He is out there watching, waiting, and there could be more.

Visine

Apparently Visine has a expiration date and when it expires it turns to battery acid.  My left eye is still burning and I used it over two hours ago.  Thanks Visine.  Eye patch here I come.

Chewbacca

I know that the economy has been tough but for Chewie to shave his body, marry Lamar Odom, and move to Dallas, just stinks of desperation.   What happened Chew?  Just yesterday you were high fiving Ewoks and captiaining the "Falcon".  Put a call into Hans and turn it around bud, this is unacceptable.

Taco 12 Pack

If I am at a party and someone came in with a Taco 12 Pack from T Bell I would not think he is rad, I would think he is:

1. Poor
2. Stoned
3. Mentally Challenged
4. Not invited
5. Mad at the host

What is even worse is in the commercial T Bell gives crap to the people who bring chips, ice, and dip.  F that, just behind the guy who brings alcohol or skanky hot chicks, these are some of the most important people at the party.  Taco Bell then claims that the Taco 12 Pack shows that you have at least eleven friends.  Wrong again.  If one of my "friends" offered me a taco from Taco Bell at a party I would think he is more than likely trying to give me diarrhea or was trying to poison me.  Taco Bell taco breathe is awful.  You could rob a bank with a Taco Bell burp and now I am supposed to eat one when I am trying to meet people.  Why don't I just go gargle a dog turd while I am at it.  

Also, if you did bring the Taco 12 Pack what are you saying to the host about their food?  "I think your food is so poor I decided to bring this hot garbage."  At the very least you have pissed of the host and the other eleven people you are giving that dog food to.  Come on Taco Bell, clean it up.

Toyota Tundra

Ok, I get that Toyota is trying to make this truck look extreme.  I get that they are supposed to be catering to younger gen x types but the snowboarding commercial is retarded.  First, I know they are fictional, and that the Tundra really did not do a barrel roll, but do we really need the disclaimer at the bottom that the Tundra is not a snowboard and should not be treated as one.  Then another disclaimer saying that the Tundra should not be used to do barrel rolls in.  Really?!?!  There are about three people to blame this on:

1. The "X" treme athlete/ Jackass the Movie loving/Bam Margera poster having/ Monster Energy Drink guzzling D-Bag that thinks, "Wow, that truck just did a barrel roll.  I should try a barrel roll in my Element."
2.  The snowboarder that thinks, "Hey, I know I have only snowboarded six times but hell that Tundra just did a barrel roll, I should try that.  I mean, I am drunk and that truck is probably sober."
3. The ambulance chasing lawyers that tell the two previous brainiacs that they were wronged by Toyota because they had tricked them into thinking they could accomplish the acts depicted in the commercial.  Some Jury then wants to punish Toyota because they are Toyota and rewards these stooges and their lawyer some huge amount of money.

Now 99% of us that don't huff glue know that you can't barrel roll a truck but because some ass hat lawyer we have to have these disclaimers on everything.  Thanks again.  Now, I am going to go stick the gas nozzle in my mouth and drink away, oh wait, the little sign says not to do that.  Thanks God!

Pre Work Stretch

Apparently at Walmart you need to stretch before you start work. Even more surprising is that #12 tells their workers to take a dump before work. Advise that I am going to take into account before I get to work from now on.

Fred Savage

I just saw a part of The Princess Bride and there was Fred Savage playing the little bratty kid.  What happened to Fred?  Last time I saw him in something recent was in Sienfeld when Krammer went to LA.  How do you go from Wonder Years to nothing?  I mean, I think I still have a crush on Winnie Cooper.  What happened to her?  Actually screw Fred.  Where did you go Winnie?